Strictly Wooden

I didn't watch last Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing because I was out and about in Manchester.  Foolishly I forgot to record the BEEB's glittering dance show so I could cringe at Welsh rugby "star", Gavin Henson, as he creaked around the dancefloor with all the charisma of a plank of wood.

However, I'm reliably informed (by my Mum) that he was actually pretty good.  This annoys me.  In my mind, Gav glides across the dancefloor with all the skill and agility of an IKEA wardrobe.

I do intend to watch the show this weekend, so before Gav shatters my illusions with an impeccable cha cha cha, here is what I imagine what he actually looks like on the show:


Best photoshopping ever.

Creak.

What Gav did next...

Gavin Henson has been in the news twice today in two equally mystifying stories.  Put them together and the whole Henson Show veers into territory of the totally ridiculous.  I didn't think I could lose any more respect for the man who had such a bright rugby career ahead of him, but today has been a watershed in the fame-hungry quest of a player who was arguably one of the most talented in his generation.

Gav pulls on a Wales shirt for the first time in 18 months...

...before donning a glittery matador outfit and coating himself in Ronseal woodstain.

First up, the sometime Wales and Ospreys centre is the face of the Welsh Rugby Union's new shirt launch.  Pretty laughable as he hasn't represented Wales for a year and a half.  Still, I suppose it was a nice photo opportunity and gave him the chance to have his glowing orange face emblazoned on a 100ft poster which was draped across the Millennium Stadium.

So does this mean Henson is targeting a return to rugby after 18 months of unpaid absence from club and country?

Er, not any time soon.  The grand unveiling of the new kit coincided with Gav prancing out from behind a pair of crushed velvet curtains to be officially announced as one of the sequin-clad "stars" of the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing.  What a piece of timing that was.  The WRU must be thrilled, and they're not the only ones.

For starters, Gav's (former) Wales team-mates were perplexed by his Welsh rugby poster-boy status.  Jamie Roberts, his one-time centre partner, said: "Is this an insult to current Welsh international players... wonder what the Welsh public will think?!"

Speedy Welsh hobbit Shane Williams echoed the sentiment: "It is a little bit strange for us really having not seeing a lot of Gav, especially on the rugby field and training paddocks."

Yes, it is Shane.  And do you know why?  It's because Gav has been far too busy trekking up fjords and slapping on the fake-tan for ITV1's new show for fame hungry Z-listers, 71 Degrees North, which just so happens to air this Saturday.  Oh and who can forget the televisual gold that was Gavin Henson: Human Guinea Pig?  A show which could have seen him electrocuted if Bravo been slapdash with health and safety.
 
To my untrained eye it seems that Henson is stalking fame like a rabid Big Brother contestant who was tossed out of the house in the first week.  The former Mr Charlotte Church is hardly the most charismatic of sportsmen - if you read my review of his frankly quite dire Human Guinea Pig show you will know I think he is the personification of a fence: covered in a teak woodstain finish, just as wooden and probably about as bright.

By my calculations, if twinkle-toed Gav does go the distance with Strictly and makes it to the final, he will only have nine months to revive his rugby career before the start of the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Is nine months long enough for a rugby rebirth?  Who knows, but if Henson is to stand any chance of getting on the plane to New Zealand he better quickstep back to training and stop fandangoing about trying to get in the limelight.

Just saying.

Super Matt

Matt Dawson: 

Scrum-half for London Wasps, Northampton Saints, England and the British and Irish Lions.
Rugby World Cup winner in 2003.
Rugby pundit on BBC Radio Five Live.
A team captain on the BBC's A Question of Sport.

Oh, and he was the runner up in popular BBC show Strictly Come Dancing in 2006.

A man of many talents, you might say.

Some of the worst photoshopping ever

Well, Super Matt has been at it again.  This time he's not gliding across the dancefloor or battling it out in the What Happened Next round.  No, instead he's draping a pair of rugby boots around his neck, donning a chef's outfit and turning up the heat whilst he cooks up some waist friendly treats for a bunch of weight watching women on Channel 4's My Big Fat Diet show.

Mmm, noodly.

I have to admit that his low calorie noodle soup did look rather tasty on tonight's show.

I suppose it's not a massive surprise, as Super Matt did win yet another BBC show, Celebrity Masterchef in 2006, so I guess the man can cook.

The question is, what else does Super Matt have up his sleeve for 2010?  The obligatory celebrity workout DVD?  He could couple an aerobic, rugby-based routine with nutritional advice and menu suggestions for the more portly prop forward.  Or maybe he could launch his own aftershave range: L'eau de Scrum-Pit?  Or how about a line of kitchen utensils?

Whatever he turns his hand to, it's bound to be a success.  Just pray that he doesn't start wearing his underpants over a pair of electric blue tights...