What Gav did next...

Gavin Henson has been in the news twice today in two equally mystifying stories.  Put them together and the whole Henson Show veers into territory of the totally ridiculous.  I didn't think I could lose any more respect for the man who had such a bright rugby career ahead of him, but today has been a watershed in the fame-hungry quest of a player who was arguably one of the most talented in his generation.

Gav pulls on a Wales shirt for the first time in 18 months...

...before donning a glittery matador outfit and coating himself in Ronseal woodstain.

First up, the sometime Wales and Ospreys centre is the face of the Welsh Rugby Union's new shirt launch.  Pretty laughable as he hasn't represented Wales for a year and a half.  Still, I suppose it was a nice photo opportunity and gave him the chance to have his glowing orange face emblazoned on a 100ft poster which was draped across the Millennium Stadium.

So does this mean Henson is targeting a return to rugby after 18 months of unpaid absence from club and country?

Er, not any time soon.  The grand unveiling of the new kit coincided with Gav prancing out from behind a pair of crushed velvet curtains to be officially announced as one of the sequin-clad "stars" of the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing.  What a piece of timing that was.  The WRU must be thrilled, and they're not the only ones.

For starters, Gav's (former) Wales team-mates were perplexed by his Welsh rugby poster-boy status.  Jamie Roberts, his one-time centre partner, said: "Is this an insult to current Welsh international players... wonder what the Welsh public will think?!"

Speedy Welsh hobbit Shane Williams echoed the sentiment: "It is a little bit strange for us really having not seeing a lot of Gav, especially on the rugby field and training paddocks."

Yes, it is Shane.  And do you know why?  It's because Gav has been far too busy trekking up fjords and slapping on the fake-tan for ITV1's new show for fame hungry Z-listers, 71 Degrees North, which just so happens to air this Saturday.  Oh and who can forget the televisual gold that was Gavin Henson: Human Guinea Pig?  A show which could have seen him electrocuted if Bravo been slapdash with health and safety.
 
To my untrained eye it seems that Henson is stalking fame like a rabid Big Brother contestant who was tossed out of the house in the first week.  The former Mr Charlotte Church is hardly the most charismatic of sportsmen - if you read my review of his frankly quite dire Human Guinea Pig show you will know I think he is the personification of a fence: covered in a teak woodstain finish, just as wooden and probably about as bright.

By my calculations, if twinkle-toed Gav does go the distance with Strictly and makes it to the final, he will only have nine months to revive his rugby career before the start of the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Is nine months long enough for a rugby rebirth?  Who knows, but if Henson is to stand any chance of getting on the plane to New Zealand he better quickstep back to training and stop fandangoing about trying to get in the limelight.

Just saying.

Six Nations Lookalikes: Part Deux

Once again there is an irritating break in the Six Nations action this weekend. 

This can only mean one thing:  Yes, it's time for me to wheel out another batch of dodgy lookalikes.

First up is everyone's favourite hapless Welsh flanker and golf-buggy aficionado, Andy Powell.

When Andy's not drunkenly cruising around motorway service stations in a glorified milk cart on a 4am quest for pig-based snacks, he can be spotted in episodes of Bo Selecta.  I can exclusively reveal that Andy Powell is in fact 1993 Businessman of the Year, Keith Lemon:

He only wears floral shorts on holiday

If that isn't enough, I can also reveal that England hooker Steve Thompson also had completely different career before he picked up the oval ball.

Yes, Thompson was a massive film star in the 1980's.  If you don't believe me then check this out:

Steve was really popular as they saved a fortune on makeup

That's right, talented Thompson starred in hit movie "The Goonies".

Next up is Welsh Wizard Shane Williams, who (might have been) separated at birth from Dr. Evil's side kick, Vern "Mini Me" Troyer.

Look, they've got the same moves and EVERYTHING:

"I'm going to score one miiiiillion tries..."

Finally, if you've been to the cinema recently you might have seen Italy and Leicester prop Martin Castrogiavanni doing a spot of moonlighting.

It's not just Steve "Hey you Guys" Thompson who has dazzled us with his talents on the silver screen.  Oh no.

If you went to watch the film "The Wolfman" then you will have seen hairy prop Castrogiavanni being generally furry and hunting down Emily Blunt:

Howl...

OK so he doesn't look as scary at scrum time, but if do some research you'll find that Castro never plays when it's a full moon.  Fact.

So there you go. 

Roll on the Six Nations next weekend.

Until then, if you've got any more lookalikes then please let me know...

Six Nations Week 3: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good

Three from three for France and the Grand Slam is still on for les Bleus.

The French scrum: the best in Europe, no doubt.

Shane Williams' sizzling late try to set up another tantalising finish.  Sadly for Wales, Freddie Michelak kicked the ball into touch at the final restart to deny another buttock clenching finale at the Millennium Stadium.

Another mention for Shane Williams, who passed Gareth Edwards' record of 18 Championship tries for Wales.  And on his 33rd birthday too.  Aw.

Italy's last gasp win over Scotland.  A brilliant try by Pablo Canavosio helped the Azzurri to their 7th win in ten years of the Six Nations.  Something for coach Nick Mallet to write on his calendar then.

Centurion: John Hayes

John Hayes winning his 100th cap for Ireland.  An excellent achievement for any player, but especially so for a front row forward.

Ben Foden, who finally pulled off his tracksuit to replace the injured Delon Armitage.  Foden was a shining star for England with a desire to run the ball forward instead of hoof it aimlessly.

England not kicking the ball away every five seconds.  OK so England didn't win, but they looked pretty evenly matched against Ireland.  Martin Johnson did comment after the match that he thought his team suffered as they tried to run the ball too much.  Oh God, I hope this doesn't mean we can look forward to a return to kicking 101 against Scotland.

The Bad

Wales' string of errors.  Two interception tries?  Check.  Plenty of passes to no-where?  Check.  Failing to see the men in support and not passing the ball for a certain try, Jamie Roberts?  Check.

Yeah I know Shane.  It was really frustrating.

Not so much bad, more not quite there.  Morgan Parra and François Trinh-Duc's partnership at half back is a weak link in the French team.  Parra is a bit selfish and Trinh-Duc retreats into the pocket when put under pressure.

Scotland's failure to score a try against Italy.  And they lost.  Again.  Wooden spoon, Andy Robinson?

Danny Care's sloooooooooow service to Super Jonny and chums. This limited Wilkinson's options and left England's backline looking static.

The atmosphere in Twickenham.  Oh sorry, there wasn't one.

(Not so) Super Jonny's kicking stats.  Only 3/6 for the usually robotic place kicking Wilkinson.  Poor.

The Ugly

Brian O'Driscoll being stretchered off the field.  I hope he'll be fit to pick up his 100th cap in a couple of weeks.

The ridiculous handbags between England and Ireland.  Not really ugly but come on ladies, sort it out.  Still, Danny Care's missus is probably a very satisfied lady looking at Care's excellent throw down skills (as demonstrated on Tomas O'Leary).

Six Nations Week 2: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good:

The Wales v Scotland game.  An incredible last five minutes in a match with more twists than one of Adam Jones' bouncing ringlets.

Adam Jones: curly wurly

Dan Parks: back from the wilderness (or Glasgow in his case).

Shane Williams.  The man who turned the match for Wales.  He showed great skill to put Lee Byrne in for a try, calmly caught a tricky high ball under pressure when Scotland were dominating, and he bagged the winning score to boot.

An excellent all round game for France.  Well, with the exception of their line-out.  A great game for France's Mathieu Bastereuad, Yannick Jauzion and Morgan Parra to name but three.

Italy, who matched England and made a real game of it.  Six Nations whipping boys they are not.  A special mention to Italy number eight and man of the match Alessandro Mani.  Who needs Sergio Parisse?  Luke McClean also had a good game at full-back for the Azzurri.

Jonny Wilkinson, who passed the 500 point mark in the Six Nations competition, and used his experience to stretch England's lead near to the death.

The Bad:

Scotland commiting rugby hari kari against Wales in the last 10 minutes.  Two sin binnings for the Scots and 17 points to Wales.  Does that remind you of anyone, Alun Wyn Jones?  Then again, Scotland's loss was due in great part to...

Referee George Clancy, who allowed an extra passage of play in the Wales v Scotland game even though the clock had already reached 80 minutes.  With the teams tied on 24-24, Shane Williams scorched over the try line for Wales.  If it were a game of football, Wales would be Manchester United.  Scotland coach Andy Robinson:  mildly irritated.

Ireland's performance against France - or lack of it.  Last week Ireland captain Brian O'Driscoll described his team as "mediocre" in their 29-11 win over Italy.  This weekend in defeat, he downgraded that to "poor".  Personally, I'd have gone for "abysmal".

Yannick Jauzion crosses the line for France

France's faultering lineout.  The only negative in their 33-10 victory over Ireland.

England kicking the ball away aimlessly at almost every opportunity.  Martin Johnson's men looked about as threatening as a bunch of bumbling marshmallows during large parts of the game against Italy.  Oh and how England totally failed to ram home their advantage when Castro was in the bin completely mystified me.  Another very disappointing England performance.  There's plenty for them to work on.  Again.

Dylan Hartley's line-out throwing.  Very poor.  I found myself being thankful when Steve Thompson stomped onto the pitch.  Yes, it was that bad.

The Ugly:

Scotland's Thom Evans being stretchered off the pitch and subsequently undergoing neck surgery.  Get well soon Thom.

Jerry Flannery's impromptu 'can-can' kick on Alexis Pallison. France scrum-half Morgan Parra is no doubt thrilled that Flannery backed him up after Parra claimed Ireland "cheat every weekend".

Six Nations Top Trumps: Wales

"We need to get off to a good start. If you don’t get off to a winning start, there is that added pressure and you’re always chasing.”

I couldn't agree with you more, Warren Gatland. 

Beware Martin Johnson's England on 6 February when Wales arrive at Twickenham.  Wales' coach Gatland is certainly talking the talk.  Gatland has focused on the inexperience of the England scrum as a weakness that will be targeted by his British and Irish Lions filled pack.  But will Wales fire in 2010?  In last year's tournament they slipped to a disappointing 4th place after clinching the Grand Slam in 2008, and losses to Australia and South Africa at Cardiff in November wasn't the ideal preparation.  Wales have two tough games away from home: at Twickenham on the opening weekend and then across the Irish sea at Croke Park.  With key players sidelined due to injury and with pundits questioning Wales' mental toughness, the pressure to perform is on. 

Here are their ratings:

Scrum: 85/100.
Wales have an excellent tight 5 including an all Lions front row in Adam Jones, Matthew Rees and Gethin Jenkins.  Alun Wynn Jones and either Ian Gough or Luke Charteris will add power in the boiler room.  Wales' opening game is against England at Twickenham, who with the absence of Sheridan and Vickery, are likely to field an internationally inexperienced front row.  Games are won and lost based on what happens up front, and the scrum is where Wales will look to dominate.  And I think they will.

Line-Out: 70/100.
With Alun Wynn Jones, Gough/Charteris and Ryan Jones as the jumpers, and Matthew Rees as the hooker, this is another set piece where Wales should excel.

Attacking Flair:  71/100.
Shane Williams is fit and will play on the wing, as will fellow Lion Leigh Halfpenny.  It's a shame that scrum-halves Mike Phillips and Dwayne Peel both miss the competition due to injury, as both are classy playmakers who snipe around the fringes of the scrum.  Richie Rees has been in fine form for the Cardiff Blues at this position though and is one to watch.  World class full back Lee Byrne will play against England after having his ban for being the Ospreys' 16th man in the Heineken Sup game against Leicester overturned.  Stephen Jones might not be a flamboyant fly-half but his magic point scoring boot more than makes up it.  And then there's Lion and Baa-Baa, Jamie Roberts, who is yet another world class player in the Wales team.  All in all, there is attacking flair oozing from this team, but can they string it together?

Defence:  45/100.
Wales' defence was well and truly dismantled in the 33-12 defeat by Australia in November.  The Wallabies ran in four tries which almost made Wales' defence coach, Shaun Edwards, implode with anger.  With such an array of attacking backs, Wales will have to tighten up on their defence to avoid leaving gaping holes on the counter attack.

Stadium: 73/100.
Millennium Stadium.  Capacity 74,500.

Snore Factor: 35/100.
It all depends if the Wales squad of 2010 will emulate their inconsistent performances of last year or their Grand Slam campaign of 2008.  I think it's likely to be somewhere in between based on their opposition, with flashes of brilliance balanced with a certain lack of incision.

Phwoargh Factor: 55/100
Lee "Tango Tan" Byrne, James "I'll play anywhere" Hook and Jonathan "No, not the pundit" Davies are the main attractions in this category.  Mike Phillips is a big loss in this department, and some might argue that the lesser spotted Gavin Henson will be missed.  On the whole it's slim pickings though, unless you like big hair that is.  If that's the case, then Adam Jones is the man for you.

Scandal Potential: 34/100.
Medium.  Nothing too controversial, but I'd suggest that Wales' opposition keep taking a quick headcount during the game, just to make sure that Lee Byrne hasn't sneaked on from the sidelines.

As for the final standings:
Last season: 4th.
Prediction for this season: 4th.

The Welsh Haka

The buzz around the Autumn Internationals has really been building this week.  Can Martin Johnson's cobbled together experimental England side overturn the Aussies at Twickenham?  Sadly I doubt it, and I think that even a reinvigorated Wilkinson will struggle to engineer a victory over the Southern Hemisphere opposition.

Still, I will gladly be proven wrong.  I'd say Australia will win by 6-10 points.

Over in the Wales camp, Mystic Warren Gatland has been hyping up the media single-handedly with his joss-stick waving beliefs that New Zealand have lost their aura, and that without Carter and McCaw in the team they are quite "vulnerable".

Dan Carter looks petrified at the threat of Wales

OK Warren, well we'll see about that.  New Zealand to win by at least 15 points.

The thing I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for this weekend is a repeat of the Wales vs New Zealand staring competition that we saw when these two sides last faced off.  If you haven't see it before, check out the video below:

Classic.

Hopefully Wales will raise their game this time by throwing a little Welsh dancing into the mix when they front up to the infamous New Zealand Haka.

Shane Williams was always first on the dancefloor

I can see it now:  Ryan Jones twirling Leigh Halfpenny around and Stephen Jones doing a solo jig. 

That will definitely strike fear into the hearts of the All Blacks.