Strictly Wooden

I didn't watch last Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing because I was out and about in Manchester.  Foolishly I forgot to record the BEEB's glittering dance show so I could cringe at Welsh rugby "star", Gavin Henson, as he creaked around the dancefloor with all the charisma of a plank of wood.

However, I'm reliably informed (by my Mum) that he was actually pretty good.  This annoys me.  In my mind, Gav glides across the dancefloor with all the skill and agility of an IKEA wardrobe.

I do intend to watch the show this weekend, so before Gav shatters my illusions with an impeccable cha cha cha, here is what I imagine what he actually looks like on the show:


Best photoshopping ever.

Creak.

What Gav did next...

Gavin Henson has been in the news twice today in two equally mystifying stories.  Put them together and the whole Henson Show veers into territory of the totally ridiculous.  I didn't think I could lose any more respect for the man who had such a bright rugby career ahead of him, but today has been a watershed in the fame-hungry quest of a player who was arguably one of the most talented in his generation.

Gav pulls on a Wales shirt for the first time in 18 months...

...before donning a glittery matador outfit and coating himself in Ronseal woodstain.

First up, the sometime Wales and Ospreys centre is the face of the Welsh Rugby Union's new shirt launch.  Pretty laughable as he hasn't represented Wales for a year and a half.  Still, I suppose it was a nice photo opportunity and gave him the chance to have his glowing orange face emblazoned on a 100ft poster which was draped across the Millennium Stadium.

So does this mean Henson is targeting a return to rugby after 18 months of unpaid absence from club and country?

Er, not any time soon.  The grand unveiling of the new kit coincided with Gav prancing out from behind a pair of crushed velvet curtains to be officially announced as one of the sequin-clad "stars" of the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing.  What a piece of timing that was.  The WRU must be thrilled, and they're not the only ones.

For starters, Gav's (former) Wales team-mates were perplexed by his Welsh rugby poster-boy status.  Jamie Roberts, his one-time centre partner, said: "Is this an insult to current Welsh international players... wonder what the Welsh public will think?!"

Speedy Welsh hobbit Shane Williams echoed the sentiment: "It is a little bit strange for us really having not seeing a lot of Gav, especially on the rugby field and training paddocks."

Yes, it is Shane.  And do you know why?  It's because Gav has been far too busy trekking up fjords and slapping on the fake-tan for ITV1's new show for fame hungry Z-listers, 71 Degrees North, which just so happens to air this Saturday.  Oh and who can forget the televisual gold that was Gavin Henson: Human Guinea Pig?  A show which could have seen him electrocuted if Bravo been slapdash with health and safety.
 
To my untrained eye it seems that Henson is stalking fame like a rabid Big Brother contestant who was tossed out of the house in the first week.  The former Mr Charlotte Church is hardly the most charismatic of sportsmen - if you read my review of his frankly quite dire Human Guinea Pig show you will know I think he is the personification of a fence: covered in a teak woodstain finish, just as wooden and probably about as bright.

By my calculations, if twinkle-toed Gav does go the distance with Strictly and makes it to the final, he will only have nine months to revive his rugby career before the start of the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Is nine months long enough for a rugby rebirth?  Who knows, but if Henson is to stand any chance of getting on the plane to New Zealand he better quickstep back to training and stop fandangoing about trying to get in the limelight.

Just saying.

Gavin Henson: Hardly Electrifying

When you were young did you ever try to create a giant battery using an orange and a couple of electrodes hooked up to a lightbulb? Well last night, TV channel Bravo tried to do exactly that - with 750,000 volts of electricity and everyone's favourite satsuma-skinned rugby player, Gavin Henson.

Gavin Henson: Human Guinea Pig - a show which seemingly had the ultimate aim to let its host, ex-BBC news presenter Dermot Murnaghan, electrocute the Wales and Ospreys centre.

How? By convincing the sometime rugby player, or to quote Murnaghan, "superstar", to take a direct hit of 750,000 volts of electricity to his head from a Tesla Coil - a specially designed mega-generator.

First, to build the anticipation, we watched a tent burst into flames after a direct hit from the Tesla lightening bolt. Then we saw Gav start to sweat as he witnessed a shed explode after the electrifying treatment.

In an effort to convince our Gav that taking almost a million volts to the head was an excellent idea, scientist Greg Foot jumped into a telephone box and survived a lightening strike. I mean, surely Gav's hair gel alone would protect his, erm, intelligence?

'Daredevil' physicist Foot constantly dumbed down his science speak to the increasingly vacant Henson, who had less charisma than the now smouldering wooden shed.

Only when Gavin uttered the fateful words "I don't want to mark this face" did it seem that the reality of his quest for fame had finally hit home.

However, Foot persuaded the father of two to jump into a clapped out Rover Metro and be struck by a bolt from the Tesla. Gav nervously awaited the 750,000 volts and in an effort to protect himself he put on his seatbelt.  Bless.

The question on everyone's lips was: "Would he sit in the hot seat and take a direct hit?"

Of course he would.  Our Gav wasn't going to chicken out of the potentially lethal experiment now, was he?

After a few more minutes of Murnaghan annoyingly trying to build the tension, it was finally time for the pièce de résistance.

Henson, clad in a ridiculous 16th century chain mail outfit and sweating under the studio lights, sat on a solitary chair and waited for almost a million volts to land on his orange little head.

The studio audience lined up like witnesses to a US style death row execution.

The Tesla machine fired up.

Henson practically sharted himself.  Murnaghan rubbed his hands together in eager anticipation.

The blue bolt of electricity crackled towards Henson's head and landed on his bonce.

As if by magic, the electricity was dispersed by his natty metal outfit, and shock horror, he was fine.

So was it an anticlimax?

A bit, although it was obvious that nothing too dramatic was going to happen. Not even a singed eyebrow.

However, it does beg the question - what on earth is Gavin Henson doing?  With this and his recent exploits in the Arctic Circle for ITV, he's certainly not playing rugby.
 
Please Gavin, get back to the game that made your name and stop titting about.

Our Friends in the North

Just when you thought that the lesser-spotted Gavin Henson was finally starting to focus on rugby, it turns out he's been galavanting around Norway for a new reality show.

The long term Ospreys absentee has been jumping into fjords and trekking up glaciers for ITV's 71 Degrees North - the Arctic Circle version of I'm a Celebrity Get Me in the Papers.

Henson lines up alongside stellar names such as cockney wide-boy and Nolan fancier Shane Richie, operatic warbler Leslie Garrett, and Rob Kearney's girlfriend Susie Amy.

The question is why?  Maybe Gavin was feeling a bit strapped for cash after his lengthy spot of unpaid leave?  Or maybe he thought climbing snowy mountains would be a good way to get back in shape?  Then again, he could have been answering the call of the Norwegian Tourist Board - the Northern Lights have been lacking a certain orange glow of late.

Whatever the case may be, I hope that Mr. Charlotte Church will be back next season with his eyes totally on the game and not halfway up some fjord in Norway.

Lykke boyo!

Rugga Big Brother

If you live in the UK then there is a VERY good reason to avoid slumping into your sofa over the next month and go out and do something much more interesting instead. 

Yes, 'Celebrity' Big Brother is back on our screens for a mind-numbing four weeks, and this can only mean one thing: Newspapers and television will be awash with this year's batch of eleven fame hungry ZZZ-list 'celebrities' who are all aiming to dazzle us with their limited talents and try to relaunch their extinguished stars back into the glittering limelight.  For a few weeks at least.

Amongst the plethora of washed up attention seekers who will be 'entertaining' us this year is cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid, Dane Bowers (aka The Fat One from crappy 90's boyband 'Another Level'), and a random Page 3 model.  Woo hoo.

Lock the doors, turn off the cameras and leave them all in there for 5 years...

However, the start of 'Celebrity' Big Brother got me thinking.  Wouldn't it be great if we could sling a selection of rugby stars, pundits, coaches and maybe a referee into the Big Brother house and watch them ruck it out for four weeks?

Picture the scene: 

Pundit Stuart Barnes debates the finer points of the breakdown with Richie McCaw, who, after 3 hours of needling from The Barrel, yawns and hands-off the still chattering Barnesy and tunnels his way to the garden where he begins a high-hair contest with the lesser spotted Gavin Henson.  In the kitchen, Martin Castrogiavanni is whipping up a culinary masterpiece with the help of a salivating John Smit, whilst Matt Giteau pings bread rolls across the room so they perfectly land onto each of the twelve dining room plates.  In the bathroom, Schalk Burger is giving Luke Fitzgerald a facial (of the deep cleansing mudpack variety) whilst Jeremy Guscott arranges his splendid selection of scarves in colour-coded order in the bedroom.  Moving outside to the jacuzzi, we find ladies favourites Dan Carter and Rob Kearney enjoying a hot, bubbly dip whilst Rocky Elsom bench presses Gavin Henson's suitcase which is rammed full of haircare products.

Henson has the highest hair of them all

Also, imagine the tasks that Big Brother could challenge them with:

Marvel as John Smit battles it out against the clock in the pie-eating task.
Laugh when Rocky Elsom pile drives Jezza Guscott into the ground during the Tackle Bag challenge.
Gape in wonder when Stuart Barnes out sprints Rob Kearney in the Chicken Run Bleep Test.


I did consider throwing calamitous referee David Rose into the mix along with Rob Andrew and his new nemesis Saracens' boss Brendan Venter, but I decided that might end in a blood bath, and we had quite enough of all that blood-spitting in 2009.

Yes, it will never happen, but this is a reality TV show that I would definitely watch...