The Crunch

Well, well, well.  What a turn up for the books that was.

Leeds Carnegie grabbed a brilliant 23-13 win over London Irish at the Majedski Stadium on Sunday to set up a tantalizing penultimate round in the Guinness Premiership.

Playoff chasing Irish were outplayed by the better team on the day, and the result catapulted Leeds into 9th spot.  Relative safety, you might say.

Let's look at the table:

Leeds host relegation favourites Worcester on Sunday, and Sale entertain fellow strugglers Newcastle on Friday night.

The Gods of relegation couldn't have planned it better if they had tried.  The bottom four are all playing each other, and something, or someone has to give.

But what are the cold hard facts?

If Leeds beat Worcester then the Warriors are gone.  Doomed.  Consigned to a year of Championship rugby.  As Rafa Benitez would say, that is a fact.

But Sale and Newcastle are by no means safe yet. Whoever loses at Edgeley Park on Friday will be praying for a Leeds win, that I can guarantee.

However, if Mike Ruddock's men take four points from Neil Back's battling Leeds there is everything to play for in the final round. 

This would leave three of the four teams staring down both barrels of relegation on the last day of the season.

Gulp.

What a finale!  I know the argument about relegation/ringfencing and the viability of the Championship is rumbling on, but that is for another day.  End of season squeaky-bum finishes like this are the biggest advocate for promotion and relegation.

However, I wouldn't want to be one of the players who have put pen to paper on a Worcester Warriors contract for next season.  The bookies have them as 1/4 favourites for the drop.  Leeds are now 5/1 after drifting out from 7/4.  I'm not a betting woman, but I know that sucks for Wuss.

I've got to wonder though... Will new Worcester signing Andy Goode become the only comb-over in the Championship?  What of full back Luke Rooney who has set his sights on playing for England?  And will the excellent Neil Best still leave Northampton for Sixways?

Time to check out the get-out-of Championship-relegation-escape-clause in your contracts boys.  After all, the bookies are rarely wrong.

COME ON YOU TYKES!

Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

Although I'm crying in despair at some of the selections that Martin Johnson has made for the England squad to face the Pumas this weekend.

There are several changes to the England team this week from the line up that played Australia last Saturday, but none of these changes involve sending Andy Goode trotting back to Brive with a suitcase rammed full of Timotei to be replaced by Northampton's rising star Ben Foden.

This has annoyed me, mainly because England need a proper full back.  Ugo Monye didn't look comfortable last week and he never plays at full back for Harlequins. Ben Foden on the other hand had a storming game for Northampton in the LV= Cup last weekend.  Why can't he come in to replace Andy Goode?  Goode isn't going to shift Wilkinson from the starting fifteen and he doesn't have Wilko's multi-facted game, so why is he even included in the sqaud?  Why Johnno, why?

Goode (left) or Foden (right):  No contest?

Elsewhere, desperate to inject some dynamism into the squad, Martin Johnson has selected James Haskell who starts at number eight instead of Jordan Crane.  Crane was solid but didn't assert himself against Australia, and it will be interesting to see if the hyped-up Haskell can bring his much talked about skill and athleticism to the number eight spot having not played there yet this season for Stade Francais.  Joe Worsley is named as a replacement and pushes Crane out of the squad altogether, which is a bit mean on Jordan but I don't mind it so much due to Worsley's versatility.  And the fact that he is affectionately called 'Melon Head' by his team-mates.

Worsley is back

Dylan Hartley replaces Steve Thompson as the starting hooker.  Excellent.  Thompson was OK against Australia but OK isn't really good enough.  Time to give the grunt, pace and ball carrying skills of Hartley a shot.

Duncan Bell is promoted to the first fifteen instead of injured David Wilson which means there's space for Haskell's old buddy Paul Doran-Jones on the bench.  Who?  Exactly.  After a quick Google search I discovered that he is most famous for getting himself and James Haskell suspended from the very expensive private school they attended for filming a "sex romp" between Paul D-J and his then girlfriend.  How very Paris Hilton.  Hopefully he will have worked out his best angle if he gets a run out on Saturday.

Paul Doran-Jones:  Accrington Stanley meets Paris Hilton

Who is he?  Exactly.

Finally, London Irish's Paul Hodgson gets a start over the lovely Danny Care at scrum-half after having a great start to the season.  Don't worry though Danny, you're still my favourite, and it's not your fault that you couldn't get any quick ball last Saturday.

Therefore, despite Martin Johnson's search for a more dynamic England, Andy Goode stays, Monye is still masquerading as a makeshift full-back, Deacon and Borthwick are both starting and Johnson is persisting with Banahan.

Why oh why oh why?

Come on Johnno, I think you can do better than that:
Foden in; Monye to replace Banahan on the wing; Goode out; Lawes to start in place of Deacon.  Simples.

Instead, here's the team that will start against Argentina on Saturday:
England: Monye; Cueto, Hipkiss, Geraghty, Banahan; Wilkinson, Hodgson; Payne, Hartley, Bell, Deacon, Borthwick (capt), Croft, Moody, Haskell.
Replacements: Thompson, Doran-Jones, Lawes, Worsley, Care, Goode, Erinle.


How England's makeshift pack will fare against the grunt of the massive Argentinians might make painful viewing. Lest we forget that England are currently below Argentina in the World rankings - oh the shame.

Good luck boys.  Hopefully you won't need it.

So What has Martin Johnson Learnt After the England vs Australia game?

1. The presence of Andy Goode in the England squad is utterly pointless.  (Click here to see my musings about this lank haired bench-warmer who is neither use nor ornament).  Well, as far as I am concerned anyway.
   
   
2. Ugo Monye is a rubbish full back, especially as he kept forgetting himself and started popping up on the wing.  If Johnno bins off Goode then he can replace Monye with Mr. Musketeer beard himself: Ben Foden - a much safer pair of hands at number fifteen.
   
   
3. The new all-white kit looks lovely, and is much better than the previous effort which featured a splatter of ketchup down the front.  Whether the same can be said for the new purple kit which has its debut this weekend is yet to be seen.
   
   

If only they'd gone for mayonnaise....
4. Steve Thompson has learnt how to throw in at the line-out.  A minor miracle, and a big relief for Johnno's England who seem light in this area.
   
   
5. Wilkinson is back on top form, but even the magic of this world class ten can't do everything.  Shane Geraghty needs to learn to mix it up a bit.
   
   
6. Getting all new-age and trying to psyche out teams a la Andrew Strauss really doesn't work as Mystic Warren Gatland discovered to his peril.  The media had a field day, and so it turned out did the All Blacks.
   
   
7. Australia has a side filled with toddlers and they still beat England convincingly.  They are firm believers that if you're good enough then you're old enough, and with this in mind Lawes and Foden should start against Argentina.

I was trying to think of ten things but I kind of ran out, so I'll leave it at that.

What is the Point of Andy Goode?

Andy Goode.  He of the long flowing Timotei locks despite his ridiculously receding hairline.  Why oh why oh why is he in the England squad?

Be honest, do you think for a second that Mr Goode is going to displace prodigal son Wilkinson or the investment in youth that is Shane Geraghty?  No, and the reason for this is because Andy Goode is rubbish.

Not so Goode

OK, so he can kick goals.  Well done, but as an international number ten you need more than that.  What about tactical kicking?  Are you any good at that Andy?  Er, no.  Alright then, what about adding a dynamic element to the midfield?  Maybe not.  Fine, so I guess you must be in the mould of Dan Carter and score a hatful of tries?  Still a no?

Right then, so other than your minging blonde locks, what do you have to offer to a new look England, because I can't think of anything?

Oh yeah, that's right:  you're really good at keeping the bench warm.

I think it's time for you to budge up and let Ben Foden take a seat, so toddle off and go and wash your lovely hair.

A Round of Missed Opportunites

This year's Heineken Cup Round 2 has to go down as one of the tightest in recent years, and whilst my predictions weren't too far off, certain teams have got to feel like they've really missed an opportunity to stamp their authority on the competition.

First up was Sale vs Cardiff Blues, and even though I thought this would be a closely run encounter I didn't see it going right down to the wire and finishing 27-26. The harsh sin-binning of Cardiff's resident Whitesnake impersonator Andy Powell saw Sale amass a quick 14 points and a lead that remained one point too many for the Blues to conquer.

Elsewhere Northampton fell short at a reinvigorated Perpignan, with the French team bouncing back from a shock defeat in the rain soaked opening round against Treviso. I really thought Northampton might pull a surprise victory out of the bag in the south of France but it wasn't to be. The only souvenir they took away from a bruising visit to the one time home of the luscious Dan Carter was a severe crack of whiplash for the suitably D'Artagnan-bearded Ben Foden, when he was unceremoniously dumped on his arse by the human bulldozer that is Henry Tuilagi. If you missed this expert demolition using an illegal shoulder charge then you can view it again here:

Ouch.

Yesterday I watched the Brive vs Leinster game which was a penalty strewn and scrappy affair saved only by the dynamic running of Leinster hot bod Rob Kearney to score the opening try, quick hands from Brian O'Driscoll, and an excellent performance from man of the match Kevin McLauglin. Another almost faultless performance from Jonny Sexton will undoubtedly have Ronan O'Gara reaching for the Horlicks to try and avoid many sleepless nights in the run up to the autumn internationals: If ever there was an international number 10 in waiting then Jonny Sexton is the man.

That aside, Leinster will be disappointed not to come away from France with a winning bonus point, especially against a Brive side that didn't offer too much other than constant indiscipline. Still, at least this provided a quick burst of handbag waving entertainment to liven up the end of this rather uninspiring game, when Brian O'Driscoll and Andy "Timotei" Goode indulged the crowd with a gentle slapping competition. Maybe Andy is just jealous of Brian's superior hairline?

Away from France, London Irish will be left to rue a missed chance thanks to a last gasp penalty for the Scarlets courtesy of Sesame Street's Count (aka Stephen Jones). This game finished up 25-27 with London Irish undoing all their good work with an away win away at Champions Leinster last round. Oh well, serves you right for beating my favourite Irish team.

Stephen Jones is the man counting the win

Tonight, the Harlequins and Bath players will probably all be at home swigging bottles of gin whilst they freeze their nads off in ice baths after both teams lost their second pool game of the tournament. This pair of losing performances pretty much ends their chances of progressing to the next round, which is a shame as both sides were comfortably leading this weekend's games at half time before they both committed Heineken Cup hara-kiri.

The final team who really missed a chance to press home their advantage in the competition was Clermont Auvergne who lost 25-24 at the Ospreys. I really wish I'd watched this game, as despite leading 22-3 at half time, the Ospreys almost threw it away to a resurgent Clermont side. Unfortunately for all the Welsh ladies out there, Mike Phillips hobbled off with a foot injury just before half time, which means that the much less attractive Dwayne Peel might get a shout for the international games next month. Never mind, I'm sure he has some fans out there - probably the same ones that fancy his twin brother: Emmerdale's Andy Sugden.

Finally (and most importantly) this afternoon I witnessed the rare event that is a bonus point victory for Leeds Carnegie. In a game littered with the usual smorgasbord of Leeds handling errors which included several passes flying into touch or being fumbled to the floor, Leeds out muscled a rotund Parma side and secured the bonus point with just over ten minutes of the game remaining.

As the scoring opportunities went begging in the first half I did wonder if Leeds were lacking the killer instinct and would be able to punish the Italian side who looked like they'd spent far too much time woofing pizza then doing bench-presses at the gym. Happily, for every mistake Leeds made Parma made two, which allowed a much changed Leeds side to press home for victory and rack up the points in the second half. Leeds ended the game with an impressive scoreline of 37-13 but they are certainly going to have to raise their performance and banish the sloppy guiseppe style mistakes before next Sunday when they take a trip down the M1 to top of the table Saracens. If they don't tighten up I can't see anything happening apart from a ritual humiliation in front of the Vicarage Road faithful.

Anyway, let's see how my predictions fared against the results this weekend:

(Correct predictions highlighted in bold)

Newport-Gwent D'gons 22-14 Glasgow
Perpignan 29-13 Northampton
Sale 27-26 Cardiff Blues
Biarritz 42-15 Gloucester
Brive 13-36 Leinster
Edinburgh 17-13 Ulster
Harlequins 19-23 Toulouse
London Irish 25-27 Scarlets
Munster 41-10 Treviso
Viadana 11-46 Leicester
Bath 27-29 Stade Francais
Ospreys 25-24 Clermont Auvergne

Not too shabby at all as I only missed out on two correct predictions. I'm really rather pleased with myself!

Anyway, that's all for now. A review of the eagerly anticipated Lions 2009: Living with the Pride DVD is coming soon...