Where Did it All Go So Right for England?

With just days to go before England's final November showdown with South Africa, the media are collectively cooing about the resurgence of English rugby on the international stage.  England swept aside the much-hyped Australia, sealing their second consecutive win over the Wallabies in a year before going on to out muscle Samoa last weekend.  Whisper it quietly, but if Martin Johnson's men can beat the World Champions at Twickenham on Saturday then things seem to be coming together nicely for next year's Rugby World Cup in New Zealand.  But hush now, let's not talk about that yet.  It's one game at a time don't forget.

OK, so England lost 26-16 at the hands of Richie McCaw's All Blacks in the opening Autumn fixture, but what a difference a year makes.  This time last November I travelled down to Twickenham to watch England crumble at the hands of a lacklustre New Zealand side.  Everything seemed to be rotten in the England camp, the team was booed off at half-time against Argentina after arguably the most depressing England performance in years before they scraped to an unimpressive 16-9 win.  Even though England won that day, it was probably the lowest point of Johnson's reign.  The day that rugby died.  Calls were ringing out for heads to roll in the RFU, most notably that of Rob Andrew, England's elite Director of Rugby.  The fans were angered by Johnson's staunch refusal to play arguably some of the most dazzling up and coming talents the country had in the form of Courtney Lawes, Chris Ashton and Ben Foden.  In short, last year's Autumn Internationals were an unmitigated disaster.

However, new blood was finally introduced and started flowing in the England ranks this summer.  In June, the side notched up their first win in Australia since the 2003 World Cup final and fast forward to the present to see England playing instinctively and on the front foot.  Ben Youngs, Toby Flood and Chris Ashton were instrumental in putting the Wallabies to the sword again, this time on home turf.  These are the same names the country was screaming out for this time last year.

So did Martin Johnson have his strategy right all along or was the former England skipper more than a little bit lucky?  It's an interesting question, and I'm sure Johnson will argue his plan was to introduce young players when he did after setting the foundations of a solid England side.  Don't forget, those foundations were built around ex-skipper Steve Borthwick, a towering presence in the line-out but hardly cast in the mould of a modern day dynamic second-row, like Brad Thorn, Sam Whitelock, or Courtney Lawes.

People utter the words "seed-change" and talk about a new England as if Martin Johnson has morphed into a grinning Tony Blair circa 1997, peddling his wares about a bright future and salivating over the prospect of getting his ginormous hands on the Webb Ellis trophy yet again.

To win a world cup a team has to be the best in the world for six weeks.  Just six weeks.  All these November tests and summer tours are mere canapes to the main course which kicks off at Eden Park, Auckland in nine months time.  My old history teacher always used to tell me that history is written by the winners.  No-one will remember England's successes from this month if they crash and burn in New Zealand next year.  And expectations are high: England were World Cup winners in 2003 and losing finalists in Paris four years later.  The tournament is being held in New Zealand and anything but the sight of a triumphant All Blacks skipper Richie McCaw clutching the precious gold trophy will spell a disaster for the home crowd.  Another epic New Zealand Rugby World Cup choke.

But similar expectation is starting to build once again for England's hopes of being crowned World Champions.  Fans are so eager to hope and dream that two, hopefully three wins this November signals the World Cup could be, just maybe, coming back home.

This week, England coach Johnson was keen to play down the resurgence of his team, despite the fact they will start as favourites over the Springboks even though they are one place lower in the world rankings.

"Things happen very quickly, expectations change," he told BBC Sport.

"A couple of weeks ago, on the Friday before we played Australia, everyone was talking about them as the best team in the world - and they had a point. By the Wednesday they'd lost two games and suddenly they were in crisis.

"What this autumn series has highlighted is any of these teams is capable of beating the other one."

I'll give him that.  Teams are in a crucial stage of final testing and preparation before next year's ultimate showdown.  Ireland stepped up a few gears last weekend against New Zealand and if they hadn't switched off at crucial moments the result could have been oh so different.  And then to Murrayfield, where Scotland pulled off the shock of the weekend, edging past South Africa 21-17.  Teams are starting to stake their claim for World Cup glory, but all are still facing the daunting task of toppling New Zealand, Tri-Nations champions and ranked number one in the world, from their seemingly insurmountable position at the top.


So has England's resurgence been timed to perfection and can they climb the mountain to the World Cup final next October?  Has Martin Johnson had a plan all along or did he bow to public pressure and change the way England play?  Under skipper Lewis Moody, England look vibrant, full of dynamism, instinct and passion.  Shooting stars like Ashton, Foden, Youngs, Lawes and Dan Cole have all made the step up to international rugby to name but a few.  But what if England lose on Saturday?  Will we all be back to square one?

I don't think so.  England have been in a period of transition for the past two years but signs are they are now leaping out of the pit of despair, let alone clambering up the side.  The old guard is stepping aside for the new.  Whether it was Johnson's strategy all along or if he lucked out in a major way - or even sold his soul to the Devil - I don't care.  I'm starting to believe in England again, one game at a time.

Venter's Venting Again...

Brendan Venter, Saracens' shy and retiring director of rugby, is at it again.

But who is on the end of his latest tongue lashing? 

None other than England coach, Martin Johnson.

The cause of Venter's rant is Johnno's failure to include any Sarries stars in England's 44-man squad to tour Australia and New Zealand this summer.

And if that wasn't enough, Venter is also furious that only three players, Alex Goode, Brad Barritt and Andy Saull, have been selected for the Saxons to play in the Churchill Cup.

He said: "If Brad isn't in the best 44, then England have some unbelievable players.

"To suggest [as the England hierarchy are said to have done] that he is too small is absurd."

Not one to keep his opinions to himself, the former South Africa centre continued:

"I said to Martin that's one place where they've got it wrong. Brad has a very low error rate, he passes beautifully, kicks well out of hand and he's a great communicator. He was our best player against Leicester last weekend. The three best teams in the Premiership have been Leicester, Northampton and Saracens, and for us to have three individuals out of 70 is amazing."

Erm, isn't that because there are only three English guys in the entire Saffacens squad? 

Hell hath no fury like a director of rugby scorned eh....?

England Squad for Trip Down Under: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Martin Johnson had a few tricks up his sleeve today when he named his England squad to tour Australia this summer.

Along with nine uncapped players, the England coach made some, erm, interesting recalls.

Skipper Steve Borthwick misses the tour because of a knee injury meaning Lewis Moody looks set to retain the captaincy.

But which other selections were inspired, which were dodgy, and which will make England rugby fans hold their heads in their hands and sob uncontrollably?


The Good:

Hendre Fourie: I'm thrilled the Leeds flanker has been called up after a fantastic season at a so-called "unfashionable club".  I wonder if the words of Johnno's ex-Leicester chum, Neil Back, had anything to do with his inclusion?

Olly Barkley:  Since returning from a broken leg, Barkley has helped inspire a resurgent Bath to a Guinness Premiership semi-final spot.  He is in the form of his life at the moment.  A worthy recall.

Dominic Waldouck:  Nice to see Johnno giving the talented Wasps centre a chance. 

No Louis Deacon:  Hang on, the terrible Leicester second row has been dropped?  A miracle.


The Bad:

James Haskell:  Did he even play in the Six Nations?  I'm not sure, as he had about as much an impact on me as the tedious film "The Men Who Stare At Goats".  Hours of my life, wasted.

No Jon Clarke: I don't really understand why one of England's most dangerous centres will be left at home this summer.


The Ugly:

Charlie Hodgson.  One word: WHY?!

And come to think of it, why is Stephen Myler only in the Saxons squad instead of choker Charlie who will travel to Oz?

No Phil Dowson.  What does the versatile Northampton back row forward have to do to be included in the  England tour down under?  Solve the Greek financial crisis and broker World peace?  Or does he simply have to plait sawdust and knit fog?  It is a travesty that he hasn't been handed a plane ticket and will only be given the chance to star for the Saxons.



The Full England squad, who will venture to the land where women glow and men plunder:

Backs: D Armitage (London Irish), C Ashton (Northampton), M Banahan (Bath), O Barkley (Bath), D Care (Harlequins), M Cueto (Sale Sharks), T Flood (Leicester), B Foden (Northampton), S Geraghty (Northampton), S Hape (Bath), C Hodgson (Sale Sharks), U Monye (Harlequins), J Simpson (Wasps), D Strettle (Harlequins), M Tait (Sale Sharks), M Tindall (Gloucester), D Waldouck (Wasps), R Wigglesworth (Sale Sharks), J Wilkinson (Toulon), B Youngs (Leicester).


Forwards: S Armitage (London Irish), D Attwood (Gloucester), D Cole (Leicester), T Croft (Leicester), P Doran-Jones (Gloucester), N Easter (Harlequins), D Flatman (Bath), H Fourie (Leeds Carnegie), J Golding (Newcastle), D Hartley (Northampton), J Haskell (Stade Francais), C Lawes (Northampton), L Mears (Bath), L Moody (Leicester), T Palmer (Stade Francais), G Parling (Leicester), T Payne (Wasps), C Robshaw (Harlequins), S Shaw (Wasps), S Thompson (Brive), D Ward-Smith (Wasps), R Webber (Wasps), D Wilson (Bath), J Worsley (Wasps).

 
England Saxons squad for the Churchill Cup:
 
Backs: N Abendanon (Bath), A Allen (Leicester), B Barritt (Saracens), J Clarke (Northampton), A Goode (Saracens), P Hodgson (London Irish), S Myler (Northampton), J Simpson-Daniel (Gloucester), O Smith (Montpellier), T Varndell (Wasps), M Young (Newcastle).


Forwards: D Bell (Bath), N Catt (Bath), A Corbisiero (London Irish), P Dowson (Northampton), G Kitchener (Worcester), S Hooper (Bath), T Lindsay (Wasps), L Narraway (Gloucester), D Paice (London Irish), T Rees (Wasps), A Saull (Saracens), G Skivington (Wasps), R Vickers (Newcastle), N Wood (Gloucester), T Wood (Worcester).

England's Key Battles

France beat England 12-10 on a rain soaked evening in Paris to clinch their ninth Grand Slam.

However England came close to ruining the party, and would have won the game if they hadn't missed a couple of scoring chances.

But there is still plenty to smile about if you're an England fan.

OK, so England should have scored at least one more try.  It's also true that Martin Johnson's men were unable to convert their lion's share of possesion into match-winning points. 

But despite the difficult conditions England showed flashes of brilliance which have been sadly missing from their previous performances in the tournament.

Ben Foden scored a sensational try after five minutes, when England quickly worked the ball through several pairs of hands and exposed France's half-arsed defence.

Unfortunately Chris Ashton kicked away a prime try-scoring chance, but other than that he made a solid debut.  Mike Tindall came back from nowhere and put in a great performance.  In fact, England's backline looked much more threatening as a whole.  There were still problems at scrum time, with prop Dan Cole looking a bit shaky and hooker Dylan Hartley was a little inconsistent.

However, as an England fan, I feel much happier about their performance.  I just hope Martin Johnson remembers how successful the Ben Foden/Chris Ashton experiment was come the summer tour.

All that aside,  during the game I noticed a few key battles which I'd like to draw your attention to:


Martin Johnson 0 v 1 Crazy French Lady

Or Raphael Ibanez's mother-in-law to use her correct title.  The England coach really had his work cut out, as Ibanez's rather vocal relative let Johnno know exactly what she felt about his team.

"Sit DOWN!"

Brian Moore 1 v 0 Referee Bryce Lawrence

Beware rugby officials everywhere.  Brian Moore, ex-hooker and now BBC pundit, is ready to hunt you down.  The former England front row is now a fully qualified referee - and don't we know it.  To give Brian his dues, he was right when he called Bryce's performance "below average".  The ref got a couple of blindingly obvious decisions wrong, and Moore duly savaged him like a rabid dog.

Martin Johnson 1 v 0 Bryce Lawrence

During the first half, referee Lawrence got it into his head that England prop Dan Cole was to blame for all of the problems at scrum time.  Cole was pinged again and again and again.  OK so he was at fault on a couple of occasions, but the Leicester loosehead seemed to cop the flak for pretty much everything.  Well ha ha to you ref.  Johnno shocked pretty much everyone at the start of the second half when David Wilson and Steve Thompson ran out to replace Cole and hooker Dylan Hartley.  But the strategy worked: the scrum steadied and the ref couldn't pin everything on Cole.  Excellent tactics.

Mike Tindall 1 v 0 Harry Potter

When it was announced that Gloucester centre Tindall was back in the number 13 shirt I sighed in frustration.  However, how wrong I was.  Good old Tinds had a fantastic game with his strong, direct running and he was one of England's best players.  When boy wizard look-a-like Mathew Tait swapped places with Tinds, England lost a lot of their momentum.  Tindall might not be a man for the future, but he certainly was more magical than Tait in this game.


Heaven 1 - 0 Earth

The heavens above Paris opened and the Stade de France pitch was duly unearthed.  Massive clods of grass were popping up everywhere.  In fact, it looked like an army of moles had taken residence and the rumbling French scrum had caused them to burrow to the surface to see what all the noise was about.  Pas bien.  It was also pretty dangerous.  I mean, tiny France Wing Marc Andreu could have easily disappeared forever down one of the holes.


Regardless of all of the above, it was a good game.  France weren't the best team on the day, but they were the best team in the tournament by far and fully deserved to win the Grand Slam.

Next year England.  Next year....

Pass the Smelling Salts

France v England, Six Nations, Saturday 20 March.

I think I'm hallucinating.

England coach Martin Johnson has just named his team to face France in this weekend's Six Nations' finale.

The unbelieveable highlights are:

Ben Foden is named at fullback.

Chris Ashton replaces Ugo "I can only run in a straight line" Monye on the left wing.

Super Jonny Wilkinson has been dropped and is replaced by Toby Flood.

Jimmy Haskell, aka Mr Invisible, has been relegated to the bench.

The changes might be too little, too late in the tournament, but at least Johnson is FINALLY opening his eyes and picking the players who are actually performing.

Is this a step towards a more dynamic England team?

Maybe.  A big disappointment is that Courtney Lawes has been sent back to Northampton.  58-year old Simon Shaw starts at lock and the ever dynamic dull Louis Deacon is on the bench.

I suppose Johnson has to dig his stubborn little heels in somewhere...

Still, I'm off for a little lie down to recover from this shocking news.


England Team

15 Ben Foden (Northampton Saints)
14 Mark Cueto (Sale Sharks)
13 Mike Tindall (Gloucester Rugby)
12 Riki Flutey (CA Brive)
11 Chris Ashton (Northampton Saints)
10 Toby Flood (Leicester Tigers)
9 Danny Care (Harlequins)
1 Tim Payne (London Wasps)
2 Dylan Hartley (Northampton Saints)
3 Dan Cole (Leicester Tigers)
4 Simon Shaw (London Wasps)
5 Steve Borthwick (Saracens, captain)
6 Joe Worsley (London Wasps)
7 Lewis Moody (Leicester Tigers)
8 Nick Easter (Harlequins)

REPLACEMENTS

16 Steve Thompson (CA Brive)
17 David Wilson (Bath Rugby)
18 Louis Deacon (Leicester Tigers)
19 James Haskell (Stade Francais)
20 Ben Youngs (Leicester Tigers)
21 Jonny Wilkinson (RC Toulon)
22 Mathew Tait (Sale Sharks)

Too Much of a Gamble?

Scotland v England, Six Nations, Saturday 13 March

Ben Foden, the in form Northampton full-back is apparently too big a risk for Martin Johnson.

Yes, good old Johnno has flicked the V's at his critics, laughed in the face of the pundits and ignored the calls to revamp his England team ahead of the Six Nations clash with Scotland this weekend.

Apparently Johnno doesn't want to get his hands on the World Cup again

Despite Foden's inspiring display off the bench against Ireland (which eclipsed dull Delon Armitage's efforts), Foden is not in the starting XV against Scotland.

With England's Grand Slam chance gone, why is Johnno still insisting on playing it so safe?

What about Courtney Lawes, Chris Ashton, Shontayne Hape, Steffon Armitage, Nick Kennedy and champagne swilling Chris Robshaw to name but a few?

Why aren't they being given a chance?

Even Lewis Moody has been relegated to the bench.  OK so after his great performances in the autumn Moody hasn't been as effective, but I can't help but wonder if his announcement about leaving Leicester had anything to do with his new role as a bench warmer.

Still, Leicester's Ben Youngs has made it into the 22 which is great news.  And fear not, rugby fans, Leicester's dynamo Louis Deacon is still in the starting XV.

Great.

Hang on.  What's that I hear you say?  Could Johnno be guilty of a Leicester bias?

Never.

The World Cup is approaching fast and Johnno's tediously conservative England are in danger of being so badly undercooked next year when they face Argentina on 10 September it's just not funny.

It really is time that the England coach took a gamble and backed some of England's young stars.

And I mean really back them, not just giving them five minutes at the end of the game

Oh and drop James "The Hask" Haskell.  Please.

Two Fingers to the French

I'm waiting.

Waiting for what?

The inevitable "Anti-French" backlash.  (Yawn).

Why?

Well two reasons.


Firstly, David Attoub's 70 week ban for trying to poke out Stephen Ferris' eyes has been upheld.

Good.

Where was the appeal hearing? 

You've guessed it: London.

Quelle horreur.  It MUST be a case of everyone in England hating the French.

No.  Rules are rules.  Get over it.

Secondly, James "Le Hask" Haskell is starring as the rope in what is possibly the most pointless club v country tug of war ever.

Johnno wants to keep him in the England set up this weekend.  Stade Francais want him to slip on a fetching pink rugby shirt and his ridiculous white boots and trot out against Toulouse on Saturday.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Haskell did an excellent impression of Mr. Invisible against Ireland so why do either parties want him so badly?

It would be more understandable if Stade kept sending him back to England to make sure he features in the  France v England game.  Now that would be a cunning French plot to undermine England, by making us have one of our SHIT players back.

Either way, I bet there'll be a lot of furious smoking of Gitanes cigarettes on the other side of the channel.

But seriously Stade Francais, if you want to snatch Le Hask back under the cover of darkness, then please be my guest.

Six Nations Previews and Predictions: Week 3

Wales v France

Friday night’s game is a tantalising battle between Grand Slam hopefuls France and comeback Kings Wales.

Who can forget the men in red’s pulsating victory over Scotland in Cardiff in week two?

Confidence will be high in the Wales camp, but the task facing Gatland’s men this weekend is a formidable one.

The Wales coach has focussed his criticism on his back row after the last gasp win over Andy Robinson’s Scotland. With Andy Powell dropped in the wake of Golf Buggy-gate and Martyn Williams and captain Ryan Jones unusually below par, Wales’ forwards need to up their game.

Will Williams (l) and Ryan Jones (r) provide good service to Stephen Jones (c)?

Alun Wyn Jones is out after undergoing surgery on his elbow and Deiniol Jones and Bradley Williams get a chance to impress in the second row. Scrum-half Mike Phillips returns to the bench despite only playing 40 minutes of rugby in the past four months. Dwayne Peel must be left wondering if his move to Sale has scuppered his international career.

France coach Marc Lievremont will be forced to juggle his team again after injuries to Benjamin Fall, Pascal Pape and Fulgence Ouedraogo.

Both winger Fall and lock Pape suffered ankle injuries and will be replaced by Julien Malzieu and Julien Pierre respectively. Pape’s absence means Sebastien “The Caveman” Chabal comes onto the bench and Julien Bonnaire replaces Ouedraogo.

Alexis Palisson has recovered from Jerry Flannery’s can-can kick and starts on the wing.

As for the game, I think the clash between centres Mathieu Bastereaud and James Hook will be a fascinating one to watch.

The forward battle will be the key area though, and France’s powerful scrum will be a stern test for the Wales pack. Gethin Jenkins came off the bench against Scotland but doesn’t feature in the 22 to face France.

If Wales get good service from the pack they will give the flair-packed France a run for their money. However, I can’t see France slipping up at the Millennium Stadium.

My prediction: France to win by 8.


England v Ireland

It’s make or break time for England. After two lacklustre games for the men in white, Ireland will be a much sterner test.

A stuttering performance against Wales and an unimpressive win over Italy mean Martin Johnson’s team is still on for the Grand Slam. However write off Ireland at your peril. Declan Kidney’s men were taught a rugby lesson in France a fortnight ago and only a win against England will keep their championship dreams alive.

Johnson has only tinkered with his match day 22 after criticism over the team’s performance in Rome. He has stuck with (maybe not so) Super Jonny at fly-half and Ben Foden and Joe Worsley both start on the bench.

As for Ireland...  OK so a back to back Grand Slam is no longer possible for Brian O’Driscoll and chums but the Triple Crown is definitely in their sights.


Rory Best will start at hooker for Ireland after Jerry Flannery was banned after his not exactly subtle kick on Alexis Palisson.

Ireland's first choice fly half: Jonny Sexton

Wunderkind Jonny Sexton snatches the number 10 jersey from Ronan O’Gara with the Munster man relegated to the bench. Rob Kearney is out with injury and he is replaced by Leicester’s Geordan Murphy. A fit again Donnacha O’Callaghan pushes Leo Cullen to the bench.

England is hardly a dynamic force in the world of rugby at the moment, and Ireland will have been busy licking their wounds after the 33-10 hammering in France. Unless Martin Johnson and co’s strategy has undergone a total revamp in the last couple of weeks, then I expect England to kick the ball away ad infinitum which will give Ireland ample opportunity to run it back at them. And past them. And over the line.

The key battle I’ll be watching is Jonny v Jonny. Fly-half of the recent past v fly-half of the future. I wonder who will take control and pull the strings to orchestrate a win? I think it will be Jonny Jnr.

My prediction: Ireland to win by 12.


Italy v Scotland

Andy Robinson’s Scotland committed what can only be called rugby hari kari against Wales two weeks ago. Quite why Mike Blair chose to run the ball rather than boot it into touch when the clock went red only he will know. Add to that the two late sin binnings and 13-man Scotland could only watch as impish Shane Williams skipped over the line to snatch a last gasp win.

Gutting.

So what next? Well, all is not lost as this weekend they face serial wooden spoon winners Italy.

England made tough work of overcoming the Azzurri but Italy looked much more convincing than they did against Ireland. Surely Scotland have enough flair to overcome the tournament whipping boys though?

In a word: yes.

Max Evans returns for the Scots after scoring a try after coming off the bench against Wales. Hugo Southwell and Simon Danielli replace Chris Paterson and Rory Lamont and Allan Jacobsen is in for Alistair Dickinson in the front row. The Scots are looking to turn their fortunes around and end a two-game losing streak in the tournament.

Evans will hopefully take it to the Max.

Italy coach Nick Mallet has named only one change for Italy as Carlo Antonio Del Fava starts in the second row after a remarkable recovery from knee surgery.

Italy will be targeting the game against Scotland as their most realistic chance to notch up a win as Scotland are the only team they have beaten in the Six Nations.

However the Scots will be looking to turn their 70 minute performance against Wales into a full 80 minute win against Italy. If they don’t, the wooden spoon awaits…

My prediction: Scotland to win by 13.

So what do you think?  Will France march on towards a Grand Slam?

Hi Noon

Or should that be one step forward and 400 steps back for England?

I am of course referring to the news that Martin Johnson has called up ineffective Brive blunderbuss centre Jamie Noon to his Six Nations squad as a replacement for the injured Dan Hipkiss.

Why?

OK, so I know that Noon plays with Riki Flutey week in and week out at Brive so there has to be a positive there.  I think.

But what about Hape? He of the funny first name and rugby league side-step?  I know he usually plays at 12, but even Hape playing out of position has got to be better than Noon.  And what about Jon Clarke?

Hello Johnno?!

I hope that Shontayne is still ahead of Jamie "Can't Pass, Won't Pass" Noon in your conservative pecking order.

I know that Jamie will more than likely just turn up for training, run around and not pass the ball for a bit before being packed off home.  However the fact that Johnno reached for his number at all really upsets me.

This is conservatism at its best.  David Cameron would be proud.

Hmm, I wonder if this is Johnno's stealth way of campaigning for the Tories in the run up to the general election?

A Tale of Two Fly Halves

Danny Cipriani has confirmed that he is venturing down under and joining the newly formed Melbourne Rebels next season.

Shock horror.

Well there goes his England career.  Or does it?

"I'm ignoring you."

"No I'm ignoring YOU!"

Cipriani's move means he will not feature in next year's World Cup.  That is a given.  England manager Martin Johnson said he wouldn't select the fly-half if he relocated to the Southern Hemisphere.  For one thing the scouting missions would be total pain as Johnno really struggles for leg room on long haul flights.

Then again, Cipriani doesn't really have an England career at the moment, does he?

Johnson hasn't picked Cipriani since November 2008.  So what's all the fuss?  The fuss is because Danny Cipriani rapidly became the poster boy for English rugby and was branded "rugby's answer to David Beckham".  And rather hastily too I might add.

The Wasps number 10 burst onto the international scene in 2008's Six Nations but caused just as many waves off the pitch.  When it came to his rugby, Danny only really had one great game for England (against Ireland in the Six Nations of the same year) and a couple of great performances in the Heineken Cup. If there was ever a player to be over hyped, then Cipriani was that man.

Controversially, the fly-half was dropped for "inappropriate behaviour" when he stumbled out of a night club at midnight a few days before the Scotland game in the 2008 Six Nations.  A horrific ankle injury in May 2008 then put Cipriani's international ambitions on hold.  Since then he's been in and out of the England squad, demoted to the Saxons and been woefully inconsistent for Wasps.

And then came the celebrity girlfriend, the ample Kelly Brook. Soon enough, Danny was making headlines for all the wrong reasons.  Do you think Martin Johnson was impressed to see his recovering fly-half wining and dining his new love interest in all the tabloids?  Nah, me neither.

Expect to see plenty more of this when Cipriani moves to Melbourne

Will Carling revealed on his Rucku.com blog last week that he turned down the offer of managing Cipriani with a view to getting him back into the England squad.  Why? 

Carling said: "The main reason I decided not to go ahead is that I do not believe that Danny's focus is on playing for England."

So what is Danny focussed on?  Topping up his tan in Oz and hitting the town with his model girlfriend?

Is it any wonder that Martin Johnson has left Cipriani out in the cold?

England manager Johnson has been heavily criticised for his selection decisions, and now the finger of frustration is being pointed firmly at his first choice fly-half, Jonny Wilkinson, after a couple of sub-par displays in this year's Six Nations.

So what has Wilkinson got that Cipriani hasn't?  Why is Jonny still in favour? 

Unlike an on form Cipriani, Jonny certainly isn't the most inventive number 10.  It's not often that the Toulon fly-half dazzles us with his running and opens up the England backline. 

The answer is their attitudes.  Wilkinson and Cipriani couldn't be more different if they tried.  Rewind a couple of years and Danny was either splashed across the tabloids or accidentally blurting out the F-word on a live broadcast. Wilkinson was living the life of a rugby hermit in Northumberland and robotically practising his place kicks for 23:59 hours per day.  When he wasn't injured, of course.

The pair do have some things in common though.  Wilkinson has suffered so much damage since the 2003 World Cup final that he singlehandedly kept all the BUPA hospitals in Newcastle open before he left for Toulon.  Cipriani's ankle injury was so bad it needed pinning in several places.  The contrast comes in what the pair did during their recuperation:  Wilkinson learnt to speak French (forward planning perhaps?) and got to grips with the acoustic guitar.  Cipriani jetted off to the Caribbean with Kelly Brook and was papped "frolicking" in the sea. 

But Cipriani's move to Australia got me thinking.  Wilkinson's career was going nowhere fast at Newcastle as he kept picking up injury after injury.  After 12 years at the club, the fly-half took the decision to jump across the channel and pull on the Toulon shirt.  Of course, the €700,000 a year salary didn't hurt. 

Yet more points for the kicking machine

At the time of his move, Wilkinson said:
"I hope it will give me the games to rebuild an international career.  I haven't played and so I haven't figured for England and I want that to change."

And change it did.  Jonny soon became the leading points scorer in the Top 14 and reclaimed his England shirt.

So what of Cipriani?  Speaking of his switch to Melbourne, he said:
"In the short term, it might not be the best thing for my England career.  My main reason was to develop myself as a player and come back and play at 10 for England."

Hmm, that sounds rather familiar.

With the English media off his back and a chance to rebuild his confidence and improve his game at a new club, I think Cipriani will prosper in Melbourne just as Jonny has in Toulon.  Under the guidance of Melbourne head coach, former Australia boss Rod Maqueen, I think Cipriani will return a stronger and more settled fly-half. 

You never know, he might even come back playing like Matt Giteau.  (Here's hoping anyway).

Let's just hope that Will Carling's assessment of the fallen poster boy of England rugby wasn't right after all.

Good luck in Melbourne Danny.  Just don't forget you have the potential to be a star.
And when I say that, I mean on the rugby pitch.

Six Nations Lookalikes

There's no Six Nations action this weekend, and with bans and injuries taking up the headlines I decided to lighten the mood.

Here are a few Six Nations heroes (or villains, depending on your point of view) as you've never seen them before...

First up, James "Brand" Haskell, aka muscle bound cartoon character Johnny Bravo:

Always a hit with the ladies

Next up is Haskell's mighty leader.  No, not Steve Borthwick (as we all know he's just the instrument of a Higher Power).  I am of course referring to the Higher Power himself, Martin "Star Trek" Johnson, who bares a remarkable resemblence to a Ferengi:

Twins

Of course Johnno's not the only coach with a doppelganger on the silver screen.  Roll up Scotland's Andy Robinson, who almost masterminded a dramatic victory over Wales.  I'll get you next time, Mr. Gatland...

Ersnt Stavro Robinson:  Foiled again.

Clinging on to the England coach is Shrek, aka mangled eared Graham Roundtree.  I'm just wondering who the Donkey is to Roundtree's friendly ogre?  And more to the point, who is Princess Fiona?

"Fionaaaaa!"

And last but not least:

One for all and all for one....  It's a little known fact that France's Mathieu Bastereaud starred in 80's kid's TV show "Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds":

Muskahounds are always ready (to drunkenly fall against a chair in their hotel room)

If I think of any more I'll be sure to add them. 

Six Nations Top Trumps: England

"This is the best squad we have had in my time being in charge," Martin Johnson stated this week.

Yes I think you're probably right Johnno. 

Johnson has come in for a lot of stick recently (including from myself), but with players like Toby Flood, Delon Armitage and Riki Flutey back from injury and the addition of young guns Ben Foden, Courtney Lawes, Dan Cole and Matt Mullen into the squad, there is plenty to placate those who sneered after England's 'performances' in the November tests.  Still, it all comes down to how Johnson's bunch of merry men perform on the pitch, and whether they will continue to play a rather lacklustre game of rugby by numbers or if they are allowed to go out and play instinctively.  Will Johnson choose the powering blunderbuss of Danny Hipkiss at outside centre or will he go for the flair of Mathew Tait?  Who will be selected in the second row?  Will Johnno actually mix things up after the dismal displays of the autumn?  It might not be possible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear but I'm pretty sure the reverse is possible if players are coached in a way that prevents them playing their natural game, as was demonstrated very effectively in the games against Australia, Argentina and New Zealand.

In last year's Six Nations, England finished second behind Grand Slam winners Ireland by virtue of a superior points difference over France and Wales, who were both tied with England on six points.  I don't think anyone is tipping England to win the tournament this year as the team doesn't have the settled look of Ireland or the flashes of brilliance displayed by France.  However I think England might well be the dark horse of the competition, as although England should expect great things of MJ and his boys, after the dismal displays last autumn, no one really expects that much.  Write England off at your peril.

Top Trump time:

Scrum: 65/100.
With an injury hit first choice front row (Sheridan out as he recovers from a dislocated shoulder and Vickery nursing his neck injury), Tim Payne (who was taught a serious lesson the other week by Leicester's Dan Cole) returns, and there is also a call up for Cole into the squad.  Worcester's Matt Mullen has been plucked from under Mike Ruddock's nose and is also included, so there is an element of international inexperience in the England front row that may well start against Wales.  Still, we can't have it all, and after calling on Johnno to look to next year's World Cup I can't complain.  Saints captain Dylan Hartley completes the front row and with Borthers wearing the captain's armband and Simon Shaw, James Haskell, Nick Easter and Lewis Moody likely to start, England's pack is a combination of youth and experience. 

Line-Out: 88/100.
Despite critics complaining about Steve Borthwick's lack of dynamism and questioning his leadership, the cold hard stats show that he is one of the most consistent line-out men in the business.  During last year's Six Nations, England lost only one of their 49 line-outs, a feat attributed to the skill and organization of Borthwick.  Wasps and Lions hero Simon Shaw looks likely to join him in the boiler room, and with the solid Louis Deacon and Courtney Lawes on the bench, England are looking strong in this area.  It's just a massive shame that Tom Croft will miss the tournament as his line out skills are also excellent.  This is an area in which England should excel during this year's competition.

Attacking Flair: 45/100.
England have all the right ingredients to cook up a feast of attacking rugby that is brimming with flair.  The question is, how will Martin Johnson use the likes of Riki Flutey, Delon Armitage, Ben Foden and Mathew Tait?  Has the style of rugby that England were seemingly coached into playing last November changed to allow these players to showcase their undoubted talents in this area?  I hope so, but I'm not too sure.

Defence: 59/100.
Defensively, England weren't too bad in the November tests as they only conceded three tries.  However the pressure exerted on them by Australia and New Zealand led to them concede plenty of penalties, and if Dan Carter had put on his kicking boots at Twickenham then the score line would have looked a lot less favourable than the 19-6 New Zealand win shows.  England need to improve all over the pitch in the Six Nations, and if they can do this and keep the penalty count down then I think they will be in a much better state defensively.

Stadium: 89/100.
Twickenham.  Capacity 82,000.

Snore Factor: 86/100.
Potentially very high based on recent performances.  Remember when England were booed off at half time when they played Argentina in November? Snore-tastic.  I'm hoping for a big improvement in the Six Nations, but looking at their current form they've got to score highly in this category.

Phwoargh Factor: 56/100.
Erm.  Well Super Jonny's not the young, fresh-faced player he once was, and Lewis Moody and Steve Borthwick aren't going to win any beauty pageants.  Please don't get me started on Tim Payne.  Then again, I suppose Ben Foden is a bit of a pin up boy, Ugo Monye and Delon Armitage are OK, as is Dylan Hartley.  Sort of.  Oh and don't forget James "The Hask" Haskell who is fresh from modelling for the Dieux Du Stade calendar.  Still, they're all pretty average.

Scandal Potential: 30/100.
Daylight robbery anyone?  That was the cry of the Twickenham crowds last November.  If Martin Johnson's England decide not to don their Adam Ant-style Highwaymen outfits and rob the rugby going public of the price of their ticket, then unless there's another bout of players snorting random drugs or spitting out fake blood then I think England deservedly score a pretty low mark in this category.

As for the final standings:

Last season: 2nd.
Prediction for this season: 3rd.

Captain Fantastic

Lo and behold, Martin Johnson has finally annouced who will captain England for (at least the first game) of the Six Nations.

It's....

(drum roll).

Still Steve Borthwick.

Ah.

Borthers looking quite dynamic for a change

So let me get this straight.  Based on form alone, Borthers would probably only make it onto the England bench behind the masterful Simon Shaw and his apprentice Courtney Lawes.  Hmm.  Call me old fashioned, but surely the captain should be a man who would make the starting fifteen?  Shouldn't the captain's name be the first on the team sheet, as it was in the days of Johnson himself?

Apparently not.

Oh well.  Consistency is a good thing I suppose.  Well, if you want England to be consistently shit that is.  I know that a captain's performance doesn't make or break the entire team, but it's a pretty good place to start.  Maybe being conservative really is the new black...

All this does make me wonder if we will be be treated to more of the same ineffective rugby from England in the Six Nations.  Hopefully not.  I mean, a flying pig might land on MJ's head during the England v Wales game, and in his concussed state he might choose a better captain for the rest of the tournament.  Like Moody or Hartley for example.  I doubt it will happen though...

Oink oink.

Martin Johnson's EPS Squad?

Martin Johnson is set to name his EPS squad on Wednesday so naturally everyone is starting to tout around who they think he should include.  The big question is whether Johnno is building his Six Nations squad with one eye on the World Cup next year, or if he's got his old man glasses perched on the end of his squished up nose and is shortsightedly only looking as far as the final game away against France on 20 March in this year's Six Nations tournament.

Decisions, decisions...

There are only eighteen games until England trot out for their opening game in the World Cup next year, so the onus is on Martin Johnson to build a World Cup winning squad now whilst blooding a few youngsters on the way.  The next round of Autumn Internationals is too late to start trying new combinations, and Johnson won't want to take a bunch of rookies to New Zealand next year.  Changes have to be made after England's dire performances in November, as it's not as if those selected did anything but underachieve in the Autumn Internationals.  The dismal results against Australia, New Zealand and the scrappy win against Argentina built an excellent case for an injection of up and coming young talent into the starting fifteen for England's opening Six Nations game against Wales, as surely the young guns can't do any worse than the old guard, can they?  Saying that, certain key veterans must remain, and by this I mean Simon Shaw who is arguably the best England lock at the moment at the ripe old age of 36.

Then there is the question about the captaincy.  Is Steve Borthwick the man to inspire and lead England to a World Cup win next year?  I have to agree with Stuart Barnes:  No.  So now has be the time to think about changing the captain then, surely?  Yes, but I doubt it will happen.  Who could step into the breach and take the reins from Borthwick?  Dylan Hartley?  Possibly, but maybe it's a little too soon for him.  Lewis Moody?  Not exactly Leicester's captain week in and week out.  Jonny Wilkinson?  Er, really?

Anyway, enough of all the talking.  Here's the players who I think Martin Johnson should include with a view to both the Six Nations and World Cup, including a few possibly more surprising selections...

Dan Cole - Leicester tighthead and a man in some serious form, not just in his man-of-the-match demolition of the Wasps' scrum in last Saturday's game.

Tim Payne - England's incumbent loosehead.  Has to be included with the current plight of the England front row.

Duncan Bell - Probably will be picked at tighthead, but I'd start with Cole against Wales if I was Martin Johnson.

Jon Golding - Newcastle loosehead, learning under the muscular wing of Carl Hayman.  Great ball carrier, tackler, great in the loose and excellent in the scrum. 

Dylan Hartley - A stronger carrier of the ball and decent line out work from the Saints hooker will secure him a place.

Steve Thompson - Included as what other options do England have at hooker?

Simon Shaw - Excellent at line out and in the loose, and showing deft hands in offload against Quins to line up try.  Has to be included despite being nearly ready to draw his pension.

Steve Borthwick (c) - Will be picked because he is the captain.  I can't see any other reason.

Louis Deacon - Will be picked because he's a dependable, if not dynamic lock, and Martin Johnson likes that.

Courtney Lawes - Has to get some real game time in this year's Six Nations, and not just coming on for ten minutes in a match that has already been won.  Lawes is most at home as a lock, but his versatility shows as he has played at flanker for Northampton this season.  He needs to play for England now so he's not undercooked come the World Cup.

Joe Worsley - He of the massive melon shaped head is fit again and will undoubtedly be in contention.

Lewis Moody - The shining star of the Autumn International debacle and one of the first names on the team sheet.

Hendre Fourie - Bit of a wildcard selection for the excellent Leeds Carnegie openside flanker who now qualifies by residency.

Jordan Crane - Solid, dependable, great carrier of the ball at the back of the scrum.

James Haskell - A more dynamic option at 8 than Crane

Tom Croft - Athletic, pacey, versatile back row forward who is now back from injury.  Will he be picked despite his recent injury lay off?

Steffon Armitage - Specialist openside flanker.

Danny Care - Definitely.

Paul Hodgson - Absolutely.

Ben Youngs - Hopefully. Performance after great performance from the excellent Leicester scrum half who seems to excel at every facet in his role of scrum-half.

Mark Cueto - Versatile winger, can switch to full back.

Mathew Tait - Is there any room at the inn for the versatile Tait?  He's not really been given much of a chance lately in an England shirt, and I'm wondering if he is going to be left out in the cold again.

Toby Flood - A bit of a question mark over his kicking but it seems to be improving, and he adds flair to the backline.  Can play at ten or twelve.

Jonny Wilkinson - He might not be Super Jonny any more, but if he can capture some of the form he's displayed at Toulon this season then he should start at ten.

Nick Easter - Big man in the boiler room.

Chris Ashton - The Northampton wing is currently enjoying some scintillating form, he is the top try scorer in the Guinness Premiership and is playing himself into a place.

Ugo Monye - Lions winger, pacey, will definitely be included.

Dan Hipkiss - Solid but not exceptional but will be included to add some grunt to outside centre.

Riki Flutey - Straight back into the starting XV in the Six Nations.

Shane Geraghty - Inventive, slightly off the boil in the AIs (but wasn't everyone?).  Geraghty needs more game time like Courtney Lawes.

Ben Foden - The Northampton full back is still making too many errors so he probably won't be in the starting line up, but he is one for the squad.

Delon Armitage - Seemingly back to his best for London Irish after being sidelined with a dodgy shoulder, and a definite starter at full back after the calamities we had to endure in the AIs

Danny Cipriani - Starting to show a few glimmers of the form from a couple of seasons ago. His goal kicking isn't good enough to play in his preferred position of fly half, but he could be selected to play at full back. Probably one for the Saxons.

And here are a couple that should be left out in the cold:

Andy Goode - One word: No. He shouldn't be included.

Matt Banahan - I don't think he's fit enough or fast enough to successfully play international rugby.

So those are my thoughts, and I've probably left out somebody crucial so please let me know what you think. 

Who will Martin Johnson pick?  We will see on Wednesday...

Off-Colour All Blacks Beat Unbalanced England

England 6 - 19 New Zealand

Perched high up from my seat in Twickenham's west stand I watched a slightly off-colour All Blacks do enough to beat a rather unbalanced England on a drizzly afternoon at the home of rugby yesterday afternoon.

It was my first trip to Twickenham to watch an England test match, and whilst it might not have been the most exhilarating, free-flowing game in the world it was a brilliant occasion with a atmosphere to match.  England supporters haven't had much to cheer about in recent weeks, so with me fully expecting England to be dished out a rather unappetizing rugby lesson from Ritchie McCaw and pals, all I really hoped for was that England came out to play some rugby and didn't just capitulate at the hands of the currently top ranked team in the world.

"Right boys.  They've laid out the red carpet for us.  Let's give them a pasting."

Going in to this game there were plenty of subplots:
Dan Carter needed only two more points to overtake Andrew Mehrtons and become New Zealand's highest point scorer of all time.  There was also Carter's much hyped face off with Jonny Wilkinson to consider, heralded as a clash between the best fly-half in the world and his injury ravaged predecessor.  Oh, and then there was also the small matter of the microscope that had been firmly placed over Martin Johnson, his coaching squad and their team selection.  Surely a bad performance against New Zealand would result in a few casualties in this department, wouldn't it?

The game began and it was England who looked the steadier team and more physical and committed.  Matt Banahan looked like he'd caught a bought of rabies from 'Mad Dog' Lewis Moody, as from the kick off he sprinted and harried and gave Moody the opportunity to put pressure on the clearance kick from Dan Carter.  In fact, I don't know if Mehrton's record was playing on Carter's mind but he had a rather shaky start which developed into one of the worst performances I've seen him play.  With an astonishing record of slotting 31 out of his last 32 attempts on goal, the Twickenham crowd fully expected Carter to pass Mehrton's record within the first few minutes when New Zealand won a penalty.

The crowd held its breath and no doubt the commentators on Sky waxed lyrical about Carter's accuracy and his amazing conversion rate - just as Carter proceeded to push the ball wide.  WHAT?  A let off for England.

Rain started to fall and the game inevitably got a bit scrappy.  To their credit, both teams still tried to run with the ball and it didn't disintegrate into a tedious kick-fest.  A slippy ball and surface almost provided Ugo Monye with the opening try when he tackled Zak Guildford who was running the ball out of the New Zealand twenty-two, causing it to pop up and land in Monye's hands.  Monye sprinted over the line but the try was ruled out by referee Jonathan Kaplan.  I had a great view of Monye's effort and I thought it looked fine, but having seen the replay this morning, as much as it pains me to say it, Kaplan was right.

Despite their efforts to run the ball England's back line still played too deep and never really threatened the advantage line.  Jonny Wilkinson needs to stand flatter like he does at Toulon and drag the backs up with him.  With all the excitement of an 'almost try' for England, Wilkinson settled Twickenham's nerves by coolly kicking England's first scoring opportunity when New Zealand infringed at the breakdown.  3-0 to England after 15 minutes.

Jonny opens the scoring

What then followed was a litany of mistakes from the usually faultless Carter.  A missed kick into touch; a spill of the ball in the tackle; kicks up field that lacked their usual epic length.  Why Carter didn't try and put pressure on butterfingers Banahan and Monye with the high ball I don't know.  Instead he was happy to kick the ball up field where the much more composed Cueto was waiting, and despite not having played at full back for Sale this season he looked calm under the high ball.  Even though Carter's kicking boots weren't weaving their usual magic, the line-out that resulted from one of his successful kicks into touch almost saw New Zealand cross the line for the first time.  The ball was fed out from the line-out to Carter who was standing flat.  He passed the ball to Conrad Smith who made a break and linked up with full back Mils Mulianina who would have scored in the corner had it not been for Monye's rapid scramble defence.  A lesson for England:  New Zealand were playing flat, quickly crossed the advantage line and almost scored.  A worrying threat from the All Blacks at the end of the first quarter.

Finally, New Zealand fans got to see what they had been waiting for when Tim Payne was penalised for a couple of punches that he casually threw in at the breakdown.  I've no idea why this didn't earn him a yellow card so England were lucky in this respect, but not where Carter was concerned as he finally found his kicking boots and easily scored his first points of the game with a brilliant kick in the tricky conditions.  Congratulations on passing Mehrton's record Dan.

Carter lining up to pass Mehrton's record

Wilkinson and Carter exchanged another penalty each before half time (along with yet another uncharacteristic miss from Carter), and then the England belief and defence saw them shut down the New Zealand threat in the last five minutes of the half when they threatened the England line.  This was a definite step up from England's performance against Argentina.

The second half started in much the same way as the first, with both teams trying to play expansive rugby and both teams failing as the ball went to ground.  The first echoes of 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" reverberated from the stands but it couldn't prevent New Zealand scoring what turned out to be the only try of the game when scrum-half Jimmy Cowan crossed after excellent link up play between Sitiveni Sivivatu and Richie McCaw.  Now with his eyes firmly on the prize, Carter successfully kicked a difficult conversion from the touchline to take his tally to four kicks from six.  6-16 to the All Blacks after 59 minutes.

As the rain started to fall harder, England started to try and force the game.  Despite having a penalty in the bag, Jonny Wilkinson tried for a drop goal and failed.  Why didn't you push for the try Jonny or at least go back for the place-kicked penalty?  With England pushing the game New Zealand capitalized again due to their ability to quickly get over the gainline.  Replacement hooker Steve Thompson got pinged by referee Kaplan for diving in at the breakdown, gifting the rather off-colour Carter an easy penalty under the posts to take the score to 6-19 with just over ten minutes remaining.

Maybe the fact that England had made 112 tackles to New Zealand's 60 meant that they were tiring, so even with Geraghty and Tait on the field the last ditch attempts to pressurize the All Blacks line failed.

The game ended with a rather scrappy New Zealand beating England by 6-19. 

Before the game I said I wanted to see England play and they definitely did that to a higher standard than they showed against Australia and Argentina.  Industry, passion and commitment were all in evidence but accuracy and incision were sadly missing.  With the selections of Erinle and Hipkiss in the centre, Shaw in the second row and Banahan on the wing it was clear that Martin Johnson had assembled a team that could physically front up to the All Blacks.  That's fine, but in doing this there was no room for the finishers which left a rather unbalanced side.  There's a lot of work needed before the Six Nations, but hopefully with players like Toby Flood coming back from injury it might help sort out England's midfield woes.

New Zealand on the other hand, put in a generally good all round performance but with no real standout players.  I was really happy to watch them in my first ever live international game but they are still very much a work in progress and yesterday they weren't the prolific New Zealand side that I have come to expect.  Still, it's their third game on the bounce where they haven't conceded a try, although they've got plenty to work on before they face their big test of their autumn tour when they take on France in Marseille next weekend.

Three Words

Powering in Green

Ireland 20 - 20 Australia

Ireland snatched a draw from the jaws of defeat at Croke Park today and although they didn't win the game they can certainly take away a lot of positives away from their performance. 

BBC commentator Eddie Butler perfectly summed up Ireland's approach in three words: 
"Energised and confident."

Ireland fielded a strong side against the rampaging Wallabies, and after looking dead and buried, a last minute try from BOD himself (who else?) allowed O'Gara to bag two more points and seal a hard fought draw.  (Seriously, who writes O'Driscoll's scripts?  In his 100th test match appearance he scores the decisive try to help level the score.  Praise be to BOD).

Australia should have won this game, but sadly for them they just couldn't manage it.  Hurray!  At least the smug Wallabies won't go home clutching an autumn international home nations whitewash to their puffed up green and gold chests.

The personification of the Irish performance today?

Cian Healy.

Strong running in the loose, confidence in his own abilities on his international debut and an all round gutsy performance from the Leinster prop.  Cian's got work to do to get his scrummaging up to scratch, but other than that it was an excellent first cap performance.


Maurauded in Maroon

England 16 - 9 Argentina

England on the other hand might have beaten Argentina yesterday in their new purple change strip, but after a dismal performance they were quite rightly booed off the pitch at half time.  The Argentina side contained four, yes four amateur players but despite this a dull and uninspiring England could only limp to a 16 - 9 win.

Jeremy Guscott's three word conclusion of England's performance?

"Slow and sloppy."

The personification of this?

Ugo Monye.

Flaky at fullback, shocking under the high ball and slow to allay the fears of the disgruntled Twickenham crowd.


I feel like a broken record. 

Martin Johnson:  PLEASE bring Ben Foden in to play at full back next week as I think we can safely say that the Monye experiment has been deemed a failure. 

If an idiot is defined as someone who repeats their actions yet expects to get a different result, then surely the time has come to show the world that you're not ready to take up residence in a remote village whilst wearing a dunce's hat. 

Then again, I think it will take nothing short of a minor miracle to resurrect England's hopes of beating the All Blacks next Saturday.  What is the game plan?  Do the players know it?  Does anyone care?

Still, even if the game's rubbish I can distract myself by looking at Dan Carter's biceps.  Happy days.

Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

Although I'm crying in despair at some of the selections that Martin Johnson has made for the England squad to face the Pumas this weekend.

There are several changes to the England team this week from the line up that played Australia last Saturday, but none of these changes involve sending Andy Goode trotting back to Brive with a suitcase rammed full of Timotei to be replaced by Northampton's rising star Ben Foden.

This has annoyed me, mainly because England need a proper full back.  Ugo Monye didn't look comfortable last week and he never plays at full back for Harlequins. Ben Foden on the other hand had a storming game for Northampton in the LV= Cup last weekend.  Why can't he come in to replace Andy Goode?  Goode isn't going to shift Wilkinson from the starting fifteen and he doesn't have Wilko's multi-facted game, so why is he even included in the sqaud?  Why Johnno, why?

Goode (left) or Foden (right):  No contest?

Elsewhere, desperate to inject some dynamism into the squad, Martin Johnson has selected James Haskell who starts at number eight instead of Jordan Crane.  Crane was solid but didn't assert himself against Australia, and it will be interesting to see if the hyped-up Haskell can bring his much talked about skill and athleticism to the number eight spot having not played there yet this season for Stade Francais.  Joe Worsley is named as a replacement and pushes Crane out of the squad altogether, which is a bit mean on Jordan but I don't mind it so much due to Worsley's versatility.  And the fact that he is affectionately called 'Melon Head' by his team-mates.

Worsley is back

Dylan Hartley replaces Steve Thompson as the starting hooker.  Excellent.  Thompson was OK against Australia but OK isn't really good enough.  Time to give the grunt, pace and ball carrying skills of Hartley a shot.

Duncan Bell is promoted to the first fifteen instead of injured David Wilson which means there's space for Haskell's old buddy Paul Doran-Jones on the bench.  Who?  Exactly.  After a quick Google search I discovered that he is most famous for getting himself and James Haskell suspended from the very expensive private school they attended for filming a "sex romp" between Paul D-J and his then girlfriend.  How very Paris Hilton.  Hopefully he will have worked out his best angle if he gets a run out on Saturday.

Paul Doran-Jones:  Accrington Stanley meets Paris Hilton

Who is he?  Exactly.

Finally, London Irish's Paul Hodgson gets a start over the lovely Danny Care at scrum-half after having a great start to the season.  Don't worry though Danny, you're still my favourite, and it's not your fault that you couldn't get any quick ball last Saturday.

Therefore, despite Martin Johnson's search for a more dynamic England, Andy Goode stays, Monye is still masquerading as a makeshift full-back, Deacon and Borthwick are both starting and Johnson is persisting with Banahan.

Why oh why oh why?

Come on Johnno, I think you can do better than that:
Foden in; Monye to replace Banahan on the wing; Goode out; Lawes to start in place of Deacon.  Simples.

Instead, here's the team that will start against Argentina on Saturday:
England: Monye; Cueto, Hipkiss, Geraghty, Banahan; Wilkinson, Hodgson; Payne, Hartley, Bell, Deacon, Borthwick (capt), Croft, Moody, Haskell.
Replacements: Thompson, Doran-Jones, Lawes, Worsley, Care, Goode, Erinle.


How England's makeshift pack will fare against the grunt of the massive Argentinians might make painful viewing. Lest we forget that England are currently below Argentina in the World rankings - oh the shame.

Good luck boys.  Hopefully you won't need it.