Rugga Big Brother

If you live in the UK then there is a VERY good reason to avoid slumping into your sofa over the next month and go out and do something much more interesting instead. 

Yes, 'Celebrity' Big Brother is back on our screens for a mind-numbing four weeks, and this can only mean one thing: Newspapers and television will be awash with this year's batch of eleven fame hungry ZZZ-list 'celebrities' who are all aiming to dazzle us with their limited talents and try to relaunch their extinguished stars back into the glittering limelight.  For a few weeks at least.

Amongst the plethora of washed up attention seekers who will be 'entertaining' us this year is cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid, Dane Bowers (aka The Fat One from crappy 90's boyband 'Another Level'), and a random Page 3 model.  Woo hoo.

Lock the doors, turn off the cameras and leave them all in there for 5 years...

However, the start of 'Celebrity' Big Brother got me thinking.  Wouldn't it be great if we could sling a selection of rugby stars, pundits, coaches and maybe a referee into the Big Brother house and watch them ruck it out for four weeks?

Picture the scene: 

Pundit Stuart Barnes debates the finer points of the breakdown with Richie McCaw, who, after 3 hours of needling from The Barrel, yawns and hands-off the still chattering Barnesy and tunnels his way to the garden where he begins a high-hair contest with the lesser spotted Gavin Henson.  In the kitchen, Martin Castrogiavanni is whipping up a culinary masterpiece with the help of a salivating John Smit, whilst Matt Giteau pings bread rolls across the room so they perfectly land onto each of the twelve dining room plates.  In the bathroom, Schalk Burger is giving Luke Fitzgerald a facial (of the deep cleansing mudpack variety) whilst Jeremy Guscott arranges his splendid selection of scarves in colour-coded order in the bedroom.  Moving outside to the jacuzzi, we find ladies favourites Dan Carter and Rob Kearney enjoying a hot, bubbly dip whilst Rocky Elsom bench presses Gavin Henson's suitcase which is rammed full of haircare products.

Henson has the highest hair of them all

Also, imagine the tasks that Big Brother could challenge them with:

Marvel as John Smit battles it out against the clock in the pie-eating task.
Laugh when Rocky Elsom pile drives Jezza Guscott into the ground during the Tackle Bag challenge.
Gape in wonder when Stuart Barnes out sprints Rob Kearney in the Chicken Run Bleep Test.


I did consider throwing calamitous referee David Rose into the mix along with Rob Andrew and his new nemesis Saracens' boss Brendan Venter, but I decided that might end in a blood bath, and we had quite enough of all that blood-spitting in 2009.

Yes, it will never happen, but this is a reality TV show that I would definitely watch...

Three Words

Powering in Green

Ireland 20 - 20 Australia

Ireland snatched a draw from the jaws of defeat at Croke Park today and although they didn't win the game they can certainly take away a lot of positives away from their performance. 

BBC commentator Eddie Butler perfectly summed up Ireland's approach in three words: 
"Energised and confident."

Ireland fielded a strong side against the rampaging Wallabies, and after looking dead and buried, a last minute try from BOD himself (who else?) allowed O'Gara to bag two more points and seal a hard fought draw.  (Seriously, who writes O'Driscoll's scripts?  In his 100th test match appearance he scores the decisive try to help level the score.  Praise be to BOD).

Australia should have won this game, but sadly for them they just couldn't manage it.  Hurray!  At least the smug Wallabies won't go home clutching an autumn international home nations whitewash to their puffed up green and gold chests.

The personification of the Irish performance today?

Cian Healy.

Strong running in the loose, confidence in his own abilities on his international debut and an all round gutsy performance from the Leinster prop.  Cian's got work to do to get his scrummaging up to scratch, but other than that it was an excellent first cap performance.


Maurauded in Maroon

England 16 - 9 Argentina

England on the other hand might have beaten Argentina yesterday in their new purple change strip, but after a dismal performance they were quite rightly booed off the pitch at half time.  The Argentina side contained four, yes four amateur players but despite this a dull and uninspiring England could only limp to a 16 - 9 win.

Jeremy Guscott's three word conclusion of England's performance?

"Slow and sloppy."

The personification of this?

Ugo Monye.

Flaky at fullback, shocking under the high ball and slow to allay the fears of the disgruntled Twickenham crowd.


I feel like a broken record. 

Martin Johnson:  PLEASE bring Ben Foden in to play at full back next week as I think we can safely say that the Monye experiment has been deemed a failure. 

If an idiot is defined as someone who repeats their actions yet expects to get a different result, then surely the time has come to show the world that you're not ready to take up residence in a remote village whilst wearing a dunce's hat. 

Then again, I think it will take nothing short of a minor miracle to resurrect England's hopes of beating the All Blacks next Saturday.  What is the game plan?  Do the players know it?  Does anyone care?

Still, even if the game's rubbish I can distract myself by looking at Dan Carter's biceps.  Happy days.