Arse of the Year?

You'll never guess what.  James "Publicity Machine" Haskell is up for an award.

The England and Stade Francais back-row forward has been nominated for "Rear of the Year".

And the pumped-up Johnny Bravo lookalike is taking it very seriously.  In fact, has even found time in his hectic England training schedule to launch a voting appeal on Twitter.

But seriously James, why on earth do you want to bag such a low-brow prize?  Are you really that competitive?

Last year, the award was scooped by operatic warbler Russell Watson - the man second on my "Annoying Celebrities who I would like to punch in the face" list, behind the constantly irritating John Barrowman.

(L) If only Barrowman hadn't "Made it through the rain"

(R) Haskell looking buff in the buff for Dieux du Stade

And what if you don't win James?  Russell's hardly got buns of steel and yet his saggy arse was voted numero uno in 2009. 

Now that would be embarassing for you...

James, basically what I'm saying is this:  Not all publicity is good publicity.  Everyone knows you have a rocking body thanks to the wonderful porn artistry of the Dieux du Stade calendars. 

However, with the England summer tour to Australia just a few weeks away, surely it's time to focus on this instead of a bum beauty pageant?


Just saying...

James Haskell Stars in "Sushi Pour Un"

Yesterday was an epic day in the Twittering world of everyone's favourite love-to-hate-him rugby star, James "Jimmy" Haskell.

First up, Jimbo treated us all to an illuminating insight into his high octane training regime, before revealing a much more sensitive side.  Bless:

@jameshaskell: Just finished some street Olympics. I ran about 4 miles and stopped after every 2 songs to do an exercises. ie if you came to scaffolding u would do chins and dips. Or some body weight squats, lunges, press up and burpees. i am shattered now off to grab some sushi. I really need a girlfriend this is getting beyond sad. Table for one in the corner please, next to the fat special guy eating wallpaper paste.

I'm sure Jimmy was hoping for a chorus of tweets from his adoring fans to offer themselves up to be his girlfriend.  Of course, I can't verify if people did, but I'm sure there must have been some people willing to help him in his plight.

But his tweet did prompt an excellent suggestion from one of his followers:

@SnowyMoore: You need to hold an audition, like for X Factor. Line up the hopefuls and then have a panel to choose. That or Blind Date!

Wow.  Imagine that for a show.  We could call it "The Hask Factor: One Ego's Search for Love".

Naturally, the self-publicising maestro was all over the idea:

@jameshaskell: Ha ha amazing idea. i can see the headline now, arrogant prick Haskell holds xfactor gf selection in paris house. 1 girl shows

Oh the insight.

But on realising that maybe he'd let his guard slip, Jimmy did an expert spot of backtracking:

@jameshaskell: i do love it when people take my tweets and spend hours commenting and mocking me. while your doing that i'm actually living a life.

No.  You're on Twitter, tweeting and not having a life.  I go on Twitter when I am at work.  Bored.  What's your excuse?

But just in case you think in any way that the Hask really is searching for someone the share his sushi with, he then goes on to clarify things:

@jameshaskell: So lets be clear, and that goes for all the journalists hiding among my followers. Its All Banter, maybe not funny but its still Banter.

OK.  So it's banter.  Does this mean he's not single, and rushing round Paris randomly doing pull ups like the ridiculous cartoon character Johnny Bravo, before grabbing a table pour un?

No comment.

Soane Long Saints?

Soane Tonga'uiha is the latest player to be embroiled in a Chuckle Brothers style "To me, to you" tug of war.

First we saw James "Jimmy" Haskell starring as the rope in a ridiculous battle between Stade Francais and England.

Now, Northampton prop Tonga'uiha has thrown the cat amongst the pigeons by signing a new deal with the Saints - three months after he agreed a contract with Saracens for next season.

As a result, everything is kicking off.

Edward Griffiths, Sarries' Chief Executive, isn't exactly full of the joys of spring.  In fact, he has slammed Northampton and called them "April Fools".

He said: "On April Fool's Day, Northampton have announced they have signed a new contract with Soane. This contract is illegal and irrelevant.

"The sad reality is that a proud Premiership club has brought our game into disrepute.

"They have shown complete contempt for legality, justice and integrity and have made themselves look like the ultimate April fools. We must now decide whether we operate a league where signed agreements mean something and are respected, or whether we have chaos."

So he's not a happy Easter bunny then.

But what's going to happen if Griffiths gets his way?

If Tonga'uiha's Saracens' contract stands up, are they going to force him to join them?  Do Sarries really think they're going to get the best out of a player who would rather be plying his trade 50 miles up the M1?

Time to wheel in lawyers, but it would be nice if this could all be sorted out sensibly and behind closed doors.

For a change.

Pass the Smelling Salts

France v England, Six Nations, Saturday 20 March.

I think I'm hallucinating.

England coach Martin Johnson has just named his team to face France in this weekend's Six Nations' finale.

The unbelieveable highlights are:

Ben Foden is named at fullback.

Chris Ashton replaces Ugo "I can only run in a straight line" Monye on the left wing.

Super Jonny Wilkinson has been dropped and is replaced by Toby Flood.

Jimmy Haskell, aka Mr Invisible, has been relegated to the bench.

The changes might be too little, too late in the tournament, but at least Johnson is FINALLY opening his eyes and picking the players who are actually performing.

Is this a step towards a more dynamic England team?

Maybe.  A big disappointment is that Courtney Lawes has been sent back to Northampton.  58-year old Simon Shaw starts at lock and the ever dynamic dull Louis Deacon is on the bench.

I suppose Johnson has to dig his stubborn little heels in somewhere...

Still, I'm off for a little lie down to recover from this shocking news.


England Team

15 Ben Foden (Northampton Saints)
14 Mark Cueto (Sale Sharks)
13 Mike Tindall (Gloucester Rugby)
12 Riki Flutey (CA Brive)
11 Chris Ashton (Northampton Saints)
10 Toby Flood (Leicester Tigers)
9 Danny Care (Harlequins)
1 Tim Payne (London Wasps)
2 Dylan Hartley (Northampton Saints)
3 Dan Cole (Leicester Tigers)
4 Simon Shaw (London Wasps)
5 Steve Borthwick (Saracens, captain)
6 Joe Worsley (London Wasps)
7 Lewis Moody (Leicester Tigers)
8 Nick Easter (Harlequins)

REPLACEMENTS

16 Steve Thompson (CA Brive)
17 David Wilson (Bath Rugby)
18 Louis Deacon (Leicester Tigers)
19 James Haskell (Stade Francais)
20 Ben Youngs (Leicester Tigers)
21 Jonny Wilkinson (RC Toulon)
22 Mathew Tait (Sale Sharks)

EXCLUSIVE: Haskell is Wet

Last week I waxed lyrical about the lovely Ben Foden and marvelled as he humiliated the Hask in the World’s ‘Largest’ Poker game, arranged by Pokerstars.

This week I can exclusively reveal that Jimmy Haskell is wet.

You can look as mean and moody as you want Jimmy – you still lost.

Here is the full clip if you've not seen it yet. It's well worth a watch, especially to see Foden rip into good old Jimmy Haskell.

The ad was filmed at the England team base at the Pennyhill Park Hotel, Bagshot Surrey on a break from training.

It's almost like a case of poker imitating England's play on the pitch: Foden has all the goods whilst Haskell is just bluffing his way through.

And we all know England coach Martin Johnson's approach to taking a gamble, don't we?  He's about as adventurous as Jonny Wilkinson venturing past the half way line - i.e. not very.

Come on Johnno, you HAVE to start Ben Foden at the weekend. After all, he is holding all the cards...

In an exclusive out-take, Mr Haskell reveals something we've known for ages: he's a bit wet. 

Someone, please!  Get him a "lackey" with a brolly!  What is the world coming to, eh Jimmy?  Geez....


PokerStars is the Official Gaming and Casino Partner of the England Rugby team.

Reasons to Love Ben Foden

I like Ben Foden as a rugby player.

I like how he runs with the ball.  I like his attacking flair.  I also like how he doesn't hoof away possession à la Ugo Monye and Mark Cueto.

However watching the following clip made me really start to love Ben Foden.

Anyone who can annoy James "The Hask" Haskell is just fine by me.

Ben, it is a travesty that you won't start for England this weekend.

Still, at least you can rest safe in the knowledge that the entire rugby world will be cheering at the sight of you beating the pumped up, white boot wearing Hask.

From now on I am going to call him Jimmy, as I now know how much it annoys him.  That dear Ben, is all thanks to you.

Ben, I salute you.

Too Much of a Gamble?

Scotland v England, Six Nations, Saturday 13 March

Ben Foden, the in form Northampton full-back is apparently too big a risk for Martin Johnson.

Yes, good old Johnno has flicked the V's at his critics, laughed in the face of the pundits and ignored the calls to revamp his England team ahead of the Six Nations clash with Scotland this weekend.

Apparently Johnno doesn't want to get his hands on the World Cup again

Despite Foden's inspiring display off the bench against Ireland (which eclipsed dull Delon Armitage's efforts), Foden is not in the starting XV against Scotland.

With England's Grand Slam chance gone, why is Johnno still insisting on playing it so safe?

What about Courtney Lawes, Chris Ashton, Shontayne Hape, Steffon Armitage, Nick Kennedy and champagne swilling Chris Robshaw to name but a few?

Why aren't they being given a chance?

Even Lewis Moody has been relegated to the bench.  OK so after his great performances in the autumn Moody hasn't been as effective, but I can't help but wonder if his announcement about leaving Leicester had anything to do with his new role as a bench warmer.

Still, Leicester's Ben Youngs has made it into the 22 which is great news.  And fear not, rugby fans, Leicester's dynamo Louis Deacon is still in the starting XV.

Great.

Hang on.  What's that I hear you say?  Could Johnno be guilty of a Leicester bias?

Never.

The World Cup is approaching fast and Johnno's tediously conservative England are in danger of being so badly undercooked next year when they face Argentina on 10 September it's just not funny.

It really is time that the England coach took a gamble and backed some of England's young stars.

And I mean really back them, not just giving them five minutes at the end of the game

Oh and drop James "The Hask" Haskell.  Please.

Two Fingers to the French

I'm waiting.

Waiting for what?

The inevitable "Anti-French" backlash.  (Yawn).

Why?

Well two reasons.


Firstly, David Attoub's 70 week ban for trying to poke out Stephen Ferris' eyes has been upheld.

Good.

Where was the appeal hearing? 

You've guessed it: London.

Quelle horreur.  It MUST be a case of everyone in England hating the French.

No.  Rules are rules.  Get over it.

Secondly, James "Le Hask" Haskell is starring as the rope in what is possibly the most pointless club v country tug of war ever.

Johnno wants to keep him in the England set up this weekend.  Stade Francais want him to slip on a fetching pink rugby shirt and his ridiculous white boots and trot out against Toulouse on Saturday.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Haskell did an excellent impression of Mr. Invisible against Ireland so why do either parties want him so badly?

It would be more understandable if Stade kept sending him back to England to make sure he features in the  France v England game.  Now that would be a cunning French plot to undermine England, by making us have one of our SHIT players back.

Either way, I bet there'll be a lot of furious smoking of Gitanes cigarettes on the other side of the channel.

But seriously Stade Francais, if you want to snatch Le Hask back under the cover of darkness, then please be my guest.

Six Nations Lookalikes

There's no Six Nations action this weekend, and with bans and injuries taking up the headlines I decided to lighten the mood.

Here are a few Six Nations heroes (or villains, depending on your point of view) as you've never seen them before...

First up, James "Brand" Haskell, aka muscle bound cartoon character Johnny Bravo:

Always a hit with the ladies

Next up is Haskell's mighty leader.  No, not Steve Borthwick (as we all know he's just the instrument of a Higher Power).  I am of course referring to the Higher Power himself, Martin "Star Trek" Johnson, who bares a remarkable resemblence to a Ferengi:

Twins

Of course Johnno's not the only coach with a doppelganger on the silver screen.  Roll up Scotland's Andy Robinson, who almost masterminded a dramatic victory over Wales.  I'll get you next time, Mr. Gatland...

Ersnt Stavro Robinson:  Foiled again.

Clinging on to the England coach is Shrek, aka mangled eared Graham Roundtree.  I'm just wondering who the Donkey is to Roundtree's friendly ogre?  And more to the point, who is Princess Fiona?

"Fionaaaaa!"

And last but not least:

One for all and all for one....  It's a little known fact that France's Mathieu Bastereaud starred in 80's kid's TV show "Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds":

Muskahounds are always ready (to drunkenly fall against a chair in their hotel room)

If I think of any more I'll be sure to add them.