Pass the Smelling Salts

France v England, Six Nations, Saturday 20 March.

I think I'm hallucinating.

England coach Martin Johnson has just named his team to face France in this weekend's Six Nations' finale.

The unbelieveable highlights are:

Ben Foden is named at fullback.

Chris Ashton replaces Ugo "I can only run in a straight line" Monye on the left wing.

Super Jonny Wilkinson has been dropped and is replaced by Toby Flood.

Jimmy Haskell, aka Mr Invisible, has been relegated to the bench.

The changes might be too little, too late in the tournament, but at least Johnson is FINALLY opening his eyes and picking the players who are actually performing.

Is this a step towards a more dynamic England team?

Maybe.  A big disappointment is that Courtney Lawes has been sent back to Northampton.  58-year old Simon Shaw starts at lock and the ever dynamic dull Louis Deacon is on the bench.

I suppose Johnson has to dig his stubborn little heels in somewhere...

Still, I'm off for a little lie down to recover from this shocking news.


England Team

15 Ben Foden (Northampton Saints)
14 Mark Cueto (Sale Sharks)
13 Mike Tindall (Gloucester Rugby)
12 Riki Flutey (CA Brive)
11 Chris Ashton (Northampton Saints)
10 Toby Flood (Leicester Tigers)
9 Danny Care (Harlequins)
1 Tim Payne (London Wasps)
2 Dylan Hartley (Northampton Saints)
3 Dan Cole (Leicester Tigers)
4 Simon Shaw (London Wasps)
5 Steve Borthwick (Saracens, captain)
6 Joe Worsley (London Wasps)
7 Lewis Moody (Leicester Tigers)
8 Nick Easter (Harlequins)

REPLACEMENTS

16 Steve Thompson (CA Brive)
17 David Wilson (Bath Rugby)
18 Louis Deacon (Leicester Tigers)
19 James Haskell (Stade Francais)
20 Ben Youngs (Leicester Tigers)
21 Jonny Wilkinson (RC Toulon)
22 Mathew Tait (Sale Sharks)

Squad Switcheroo

So it's time for the obligatory squad shake-ups before the next round of autumn international test matches. 

Whilst the Scotland team that will face Australia is unchanged from the side that got the better of Fiji in a dour encounter last weekend, Martin Johnson is getting good use of the revolving door that he had especially fitted in the home changing room at Twickenham prior to the start of this test series. 

Across the Irish sea there are a few changes in the Ireland starting fifteen, and over in Cardiff, the Wales side that narrowly lost to New Zealand is fully reformed like a slab of Spam after a week's break - well, with one new ingredient, and hopefully a little bit more meat than they showed against Samoa.

So who's in and who's out?

England

IN: 
Simon Shaw (lock), Mathew Tait (full back/wing/centre)

OUT: 
Andy Goode (part time fly-half/full time hair model), Courtney Lawes (lock)

RELEASED: 
Ben Foden (full back), Jordan Crane (number 8), George Chuter (hooker), Steffon Armitage (flanker), Ben Kay (lock), Paul Sackey (wing), Richard Wigglesworth (scrum half), David Flatman (prop)

Interesting. 
Andy Goode is going back to Brive.  See ya.
Monye hasn't been released, so is he going to switch to the wing so that either Cueto or Tait can start at full back?  With Steve Borthwick stubbornly clutching on to the captaincy and therefore guaranteeing his place in the side, it looks like Lions hero, man-mountain and the old experienced hands of Simon Shaw might push Louis Deacon on to the bench, which can only be a good thing.

All will be revealed at 12pm GMT tomorrow...


Ireland

IN:
Jonny Sexton (fly-half), Eoin Reddan (scrum half), Gordon D'Arcy (centre), Keith Earls (wing), Shane Horgan (wing), Tom Court (loosehead), Leo Cullen (lock), Denis Leamy (flanker)
New Replacements: Sean Cronin (hooker), Sean O'Brian (flanker).

OUT:
Tommy Bowe (wing), Ronan O'Gara (fly-half), Luke Fitzgerald (wing, injured), David Wallace (flanker), Cian Healy (loosehead, injured)

Hurrah!  The pretender to the O'Gara throne, Leinster's young gun Jonny Sexton is winning his first cap for Ireland.  I like Jonny Sexton a lot.  Last year he demonstrated a cool presence on the pitch in the pressurized environment of the Heineken Cup after playing second fiddle to Felipe Contepomi for such a long time, and he has shown the world that he has a calm head on his young shoulders.  Also, I like him because he looks quite sweet and a bit like an oversized toddler.  Bless.

Mansize toddler: Jonny Sexton (on the left)

Along with Jonny, the two Seans on the bench are also uncapped with Declan Kidney keen to give a few more young guns a shot against Fiji at Dublin's RDS.


Wales

IN:
Jonathan Davies (centre), Shane Williams (wing), Matthew Rees (hooker), Stephen Jones (fly-half), Martyn Williams (flanker), Gareth Cooper (scrum half),
New replacements: Andrew Bishop (centre), Dan Lydiate (flanker)

OUT:
Tom Shanklin (centre, injured), Martin Roberts (scrum half), Dan Biggar (fly-half), Dan Warburton (flanker),

Big news for Wales is that Jonathan Davies is BACK.

Soft focus really takes off the years

No, not that Jonathan Davies. 

21 year old Jonathan Davies plays in the centre (for the Scarlets) and not at fly-half like his legendary bouffant-haired namesake.  This weekend the new Jonathan Davies will make his first start at the Millennium stadium after impressing when he replaced injured Tom Shanklin off the bench in the game against Samoa last weekend.


Scotland

IN:
No-one.

OUT:
No-one.

Nice bit of consistency there Mr Robinson.  Good luck against Australia though.

Any excuse to include a picture of curly-haired Scotland captain, Chris Cusiter

What do I think?

It's good to see that Wales and Ireland are willing to give some of their hot up and coming talent some time on the pitch - unlike England. 

As much as I welcome the return of Simon Shaw and Mathew Tait into the England squad I'm still disappointed that Lawes and Foden have both been sent back to Northampton.  What was the point in hyping up Lawes so much if it was only in the mythical (and possibly non-existent) game plan for him to play approximately ten seconds of rugby in the two games where he was selected? 

With Monye hopefully not being allowed to continue pleasuring us with his erratic displays at full back and being switched to the wing (where he can ably demonstrate his sole skill of running fast in a straight line), Tait can step in to add some composure and threat from deep and Banahan can be relegated to the bench where he can hone his sprinting skills and try to out run an IKEA wardrobe for the first time in his life.

My predictions for this weekend?

New Zealand to beat England by 30 points.  At least.
Ireland to beat Fiji by 20 points.
Wales to beat Argentina by 10 points.
Australia to beat Scotland by about 1000 points.

Place your bets.

Three Words

Powering in Green

Ireland 20 - 20 Australia

Ireland snatched a draw from the jaws of defeat at Croke Park today and although they didn't win the game they can certainly take away a lot of positives away from their performance. 

BBC commentator Eddie Butler perfectly summed up Ireland's approach in three words: 
"Energised and confident."

Ireland fielded a strong side against the rampaging Wallabies, and after looking dead and buried, a last minute try from BOD himself (who else?) allowed O'Gara to bag two more points and seal a hard fought draw.  (Seriously, who writes O'Driscoll's scripts?  In his 100th test match appearance he scores the decisive try to help level the score.  Praise be to BOD).

Australia should have won this game, but sadly for them they just couldn't manage it.  Hurray!  At least the smug Wallabies won't go home clutching an autumn international home nations whitewash to their puffed up green and gold chests.

The personification of the Irish performance today?

Cian Healy.

Strong running in the loose, confidence in his own abilities on his international debut and an all round gutsy performance from the Leinster prop.  Cian's got work to do to get his scrummaging up to scratch, but other than that it was an excellent first cap performance.


Maurauded in Maroon

England 16 - 9 Argentina

England on the other hand might have beaten Argentina yesterday in their new purple change strip, but after a dismal performance they were quite rightly booed off the pitch at half time.  The Argentina side contained four, yes four amateur players but despite this a dull and uninspiring England could only limp to a 16 - 9 win.

Jeremy Guscott's three word conclusion of England's performance?

"Slow and sloppy."

The personification of this?

Ugo Monye.

Flaky at fullback, shocking under the high ball and slow to allay the fears of the disgruntled Twickenham crowd.


I feel like a broken record. 

Martin Johnson:  PLEASE bring Ben Foden in to play at full back next week as I think we can safely say that the Monye experiment has been deemed a failure. 

If an idiot is defined as someone who repeats their actions yet expects to get a different result, then surely the time has come to show the world that you're not ready to take up residence in a remote village whilst wearing a dunce's hat. 

Then again, I think it will take nothing short of a minor miracle to resurrect England's hopes of beating the All Blacks next Saturday.  What is the game plan?  Do the players know it?  Does anyone care?

Still, even if the game's rubbish I can distract myself by looking at Dan Carter's biceps.  Happy days.

Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

Although I'm crying in despair at some of the selections that Martin Johnson has made for the England squad to face the Pumas this weekend.

There are several changes to the England team this week from the line up that played Australia last Saturday, but none of these changes involve sending Andy Goode trotting back to Brive with a suitcase rammed full of Timotei to be replaced by Northampton's rising star Ben Foden.

This has annoyed me, mainly because England need a proper full back.  Ugo Monye didn't look comfortable last week and he never plays at full back for Harlequins. Ben Foden on the other hand had a storming game for Northampton in the LV= Cup last weekend.  Why can't he come in to replace Andy Goode?  Goode isn't going to shift Wilkinson from the starting fifteen and he doesn't have Wilko's multi-facted game, so why is he even included in the sqaud?  Why Johnno, why?

Goode (left) or Foden (right):  No contest?

Elsewhere, desperate to inject some dynamism into the squad, Martin Johnson has selected James Haskell who starts at number eight instead of Jordan Crane.  Crane was solid but didn't assert himself against Australia, and it will be interesting to see if the hyped-up Haskell can bring his much talked about skill and athleticism to the number eight spot having not played there yet this season for Stade Francais.  Joe Worsley is named as a replacement and pushes Crane out of the squad altogether, which is a bit mean on Jordan but I don't mind it so much due to Worsley's versatility.  And the fact that he is affectionately called 'Melon Head' by his team-mates.

Worsley is back

Dylan Hartley replaces Steve Thompson as the starting hooker.  Excellent.  Thompson was OK against Australia but OK isn't really good enough.  Time to give the grunt, pace and ball carrying skills of Hartley a shot.

Duncan Bell is promoted to the first fifteen instead of injured David Wilson which means there's space for Haskell's old buddy Paul Doran-Jones on the bench.  Who?  Exactly.  After a quick Google search I discovered that he is most famous for getting himself and James Haskell suspended from the very expensive private school they attended for filming a "sex romp" between Paul D-J and his then girlfriend.  How very Paris Hilton.  Hopefully he will have worked out his best angle if he gets a run out on Saturday.

Paul Doran-Jones:  Accrington Stanley meets Paris Hilton

Who is he?  Exactly.

Finally, London Irish's Paul Hodgson gets a start over the lovely Danny Care at scrum-half after having a great start to the season.  Don't worry though Danny, you're still my favourite, and it's not your fault that you couldn't get any quick ball last Saturday.

Therefore, despite Martin Johnson's search for a more dynamic England, Andy Goode stays, Monye is still masquerading as a makeshift full-back, Deacon and Borthwick are both starting and Johnson is persisting with Banahan.

Why oh why oh why?

Come on Johnno, I think you can do better than that:
Foden in; Monye to replace Banahan on the wing; Goode out; Lawes to start in place of Deacon.  Simples.

Instead, here's the team that will start against Argentina on Saturday:
England: Monye; Cueto, Hipkiss, Geraghty, Banahan; Wilkinson, Hodgson; Payne, Hartley, Bell, Deacon, Borthwick (capt), Croft, Moody, Haskell.
Replacements: Thompson, Doran-Jones, Lawes, Worsley, Care, Goode, Erinle.


How England's makeshift pack will fare against the grunt of the massive Argentinians might make painful viewing. Lest we forget that England are currently below Argentina in the World rankings - oh the shame.

Good luck boys.  Hopefully you won't need it.

So What has Martin Johnson Learnt After the England vs Australia game?

1. The presence of Andy Goode in the England squad is utterly pointless.  (Click here to see my musings about this lank haired bench-warmer who is neither use nor ornament).  Well, as far as I am concerned anyway.
   
   
2. Ugo Monye is a rubbish full back, especially as he kept forgetting himself and started popping up on the wing.  If Johnno bins off Goode then he can replace Monye with Mr. Musketeer beard himself: Ben Foden - a much safer pair of hands at number fifteen.
   
   
3. The new all-white kit looks lovely, and is much better than the previous effort which featured a splatter of ketchup down the front.  Whether the same can be said for the new purple kit which has its debut this weekend is yet to be seen.
   
   

If only they'd gone for mayonnaise....
4. Steve Thompson has learnt how to throw in at the line-out.  A minor miracle, and a big relief for Johnno's England who seem light in this area.
   
   
5. Wilkinson is back on top form, but even the magic of this world class ten can't do everything.  Shane Geraghty needs to learn to mix it up a bit.
   
   
6. Getting all new-age and trying to psyche out teams a la Andrew Strauss really doesn't work as Mystic Warren Gatland discovered to his peril.  The media had a field day, and so it turned out did the All Blacks.
   
   
7. Australia has a side filled with toddlers and they still beat England convincingly.  They are firm believers that if you're good enough then you're old enough, and with this in mind Lawes and Foden should start against Argentina.

I was trying to think of ten things but I kind of ran out, so I'll leave it at that.

The Wilko Show?

England 9 - 18 Australia

Jonny Wilkinson's return to fitness and the England squad seems somewhat ironic at a time when his England team mates are keeping the physios and surgeons very busy.  His first game for England in eighteen months was supposed to herald a new start for Martin Johnson's England, and a chance for the returning World Cup winning hero of 2003 to help usher the patched together and youthful looking England team to a winning start in this year's Autumn Internationals.

The lesser spotted injury free Wilkinson

Sadly, this didn't happen.

On a personal level, Wilkinson had a pretty good game.  He settled the nerves of an expectant Twickenham by slotting an opening drop goal and coolly adding three points with a calmly taken penalty that flew through the centre of the posts, all in the first ten minutes.  6-0 to England.

In fact it was a good start for England.  Steve "Hey You Guys" Thompson looks to have worked on his line out throwing which was always an Achilles heel for the hooker, and Deacon, Borthwick and Croft were quick to snaffle all the line out ball.

As the game started to settle down, number eight Jordan Crane seemed to be everywhere in the first quarter, although Ugo Monye apparently forgot that he was playing at full back and kept popping up on the wing.  Who covered his position?  Why, Wilkinson of course.

After fifteen minutes, an ill-disciplined Australia had conceded four penalties, which gave Wilkinson the opportunity to stretch the league with his third attempt on goal from the half way line.  The ball flew through the air from Wilkinson's boot and tantalisingly bounced off the post.

Australia scrum half Will Genia looked sharp and sparky throughout the game.  In a move reminiscent of his try against New Zealand last weekend, Genia picked up the ball from the breakdown, and his dinking run through the gap left by a wandering Geraghty allowed him to waltz over the try line for a relatively soft try.  Giteau pushed the conversion across the face of the posts to leave England clinging on to a 6-5 lead after twenty one minutes.

Will Genia: irritatingly good

England finally went on a brief offensive of the Aussie line with Wilkinson popping a high cross field kick towards 6ft 7" Matt Banahan.  Banahan barely came off his wing all afternoon, and I can only deduce that this is because he has a rubbish sense of direction and needs sight of the whitewash at all times - much like how Hansel and Gretl needed the trail of breadcrumbs.  Banahan passed to Hipkiss who used his strength to bash through the  Aussie line, before Danny Care received the ball and cleverly chipped a cross field kick towards the opposite wing, knowing full well that the referee was playing advantage and the penalty in front of the posts was in the bag.  Wilkinson lined up the kick and booted it over with his eyes closed.  9-5 to England after 27 minutes.

If you had told me at this point that England's points scoring was done for the afternoon I wouldn't have believed you, but sadly that was the case.  England only seemed to pick up the points from Australian penalties, and after twenty nine minutes Australia had conceded six to England's zero.  In fairness, Wilkinson didn't receive the ball in the right places to open up the England backline, and whilst England seemed able to pass the ball up and down the line they never really threatened Australia in midfield and never looked likely to score a try. 

At half time, I would say that England had the best of the first half, and they went in at the break up at 9-5.

Then it all went wrong.  Australia came back out and completely bossed the second half. 

Immediately after the break, Australia pressurized the England line and look destined to cross.  However the English defence remained solid and the Wallabies got a case of white-line fever.  Cueto stuck a boot in and cleared the ball to release the pressure, but he was pinged for being offside which allowed Giteau to line up the three points.  9-8 to England.

Time for some impact substitutions, and after fifty five minutes James Haskell and Dylan Hartley took off their tracksuits and danced on to the pitch where they made some strong carries.  Courtney Lawes came on a few minutes later but didn't get much of a chance to show why everyone is hyping him up as the next Martin Johnson.

The Wallabies were in complete control of the second half and almost crossed the try line again, but England were saved as centre Digby Ioane flapped when he saw the try line and fumbled the ball.  It was a get out of jail card for England, not least for makeshift full back Ugo Monye who missed the crucial tackle.

Duncan Bell then came on to replace David Wilson and he immediately got penalised for collapsing the scrum when he fell flat on his face like a deflated soufflé.  Replays showed this was unfair on Bell as it was the binding of the Australian loosehead that flopped.  It should have been a penalty for England, but instead Giteau whacked the ball straight through the centre of the posts to give Australia the lead for the first time.  9-11 with twenty minutes to go.

After that is was all Australia and they showed their class in the second half.  Apart from a break from Haskell and the deft skills of Wilkinson who created a sublime chip, chase, catch and quick pass to Monye, England struggled to get out of first gear.

Try time yet again for 'tashe-tasic Ashley-Cooper

It was left to Adam Ashley-Cooper with his Movember moustache to stamp home the Wallabies' authority with a great try, all from Genia's quick ball and Giteau's expert pass.  Ashley-Cooper mowed down four England defenders as he powered over from twenty metres with very impressive leg strength.  Giteau showed that there were two excellent place-kicking fly halves on the pitch, as he easily converted the try to take the score to 9-18 which is where it remained for the final eight minutes.

After a solid start from England it was a comfortable win for Australia, and unfortunately my prediction for Australia to win by 6 to 10 points came true.  Will Genia was deservedly the man of the match, and worryingly for the rest of the world he looked like a young George Gregan in the making.

In conclusion...

Whilst the England midfield was good defensively it wasn't particularly dynamic in attack.  Geraghty didn't provide many options other than the inside ball, which Australia soon got the measure of. 

Still, there were some positives for England.  Wilkinson put in some technically perfect, strong driving tackles, his tactical kicking improved as the game went on and he demonstrated his trademark quick hands, along with his perfectly composed place kicking.  Lewis Moody was another Englishman who had an impressive game.  Not only did he manage to control himself and help shake off the mantle of being a 'walking penalty machine' but he was excellent at the breakdown and got the better of his opposite number George Smith.

England need to work on sparking some life into their backline before they face Argentina next weekend.  If they don't then I expect them to be hammered by New Zealand in a couple of weeks time.

Living with the Pride: DVD Review

Warning! This review contains spoilers!

With Royal Mail embarking on a frustrating postal strike, it was with great relief when I checked my doormat on my return from work today to find that my Lions 2009: Living with the Pride DVD had finally been delivered.

I've been looking forward to the release of this access all areas documentary since about halfway through the Lions tour to South Africa this summer. There's something special and tantalizing about being able to sneak a peek behind the scenes of the pre-match preparations and find out what the players are really like when they're off duty. The 1997 vintage, Living with the Lions, will always be lauded as the pinnacle of sporting documentary (and rightly so) but I was eager to discover if the 2009 offering would come anywhere close.

The action starts at Pennyhill Training Camp and it's clear to see the bonds rapidly forming within the squad with Andy Powell, Donnacha O'Callaghan and Tommy Bowe quickly emerging as the jokers in the touring party. The squad relocates to South Africa and the tense build up of the warm up games is juxtaposed with moments of humour, such as Ugo Monye's irresistible chat up lines and Nathan Hines forgetting Luke Fitzgerald's name when allocating rooms.

As the tour progresses you get a real sense of the tension and weight of expectation building within the squad. Shaun Edwards pulls no punches and adds an extra dimension of intensity into every briefing and half time team talk. After the Cheetahs game (where the Lions won 26-24) the dressing room is silent and the players stony faced, such is the disappointment of coming so close to a loss. Seeing the passion of all the players and their pride in the jersey is powerful, as is the commitment and drive of all the coaching and backroom staff who work tirelessly behind the scenes.

In contrast to the action on the pitch, there is also a much lighter side in build up to the tests. Throughout the tour, the Lions are shown visiting schools and townships, and an absolutely priceless moment is watching the usually fierce Shaun Edwards teaching the children of one of the townships just how to do the Blitz defence. Other amusing moments generally occur any time Andy Powell is on the screen, and I did laugh when Tommy Bowe and Nathan Hines took it upon themselves to find a girlfriend for the surprisingly single Rob Kearney before the Sharks game. Somehow, (and despite his best efforts), the scantily clad Sharks cheerleaders seemed to be immune to Rob's Irish charms which was much to the amusement of his team mates. There are also some worthwhile highlights on the extras DVD, which includes a Soccer AM-style Skill School challenge between David Wallace and Alun Wyn Jones, Euan Murray's terrible jokes on the tour bus and Tom Croft receiving a shot in the nads from a much furrier lion.

Back on the rugby pitch, and the first two test matches are very difficult to watch knowing how the results pan out, especially after listening to the strong and passionate pre-match speech of Willie John McBride before the first test. After the final whistle of the second test match, the dressing room sits in an unbearable silence with the players exhausted and empty on every level. Being allowed in to see a moment like that made me feel like an intruder and it made for some very uncomfortable viewing.

The film reaches its climax with the third and final test, and I have to admit that I was forced to sniff back the tears whilst watching Ian McGeechan's emotional and rousing speech before the last game. As he spoke, sheer emotion and anticipation was hanging heavily in the air, and the focus and determination was clearly etched on the faces of all the players. Watching McGeechan shed a few tears after his speech really summed up the passion of what it means to be Lion and how it feels to pull on the famous red jersey. Ian McGeechan truly personifies the Lions ethos to the core, and watching him rally his pride with such a swell of emotion was truly lump in the throat time.

This DVD had me captivated from start to finish, and it really is a must for all the rugby fans who were mesmerized by the gripping series in South Africa. Brilliantly shot, it captures both the romance of a Lions tour without sparing any of the brutality. After watching this documentary of a Lions tour in the age of professional rugby, it is clear to see that the Lions spirit and purpose is in rude health and is still as relevant today as it always was.

I can't wait until the 2013 pride roar into Australia in four years time, and whilst Ian McGeechan probably won't be at the helm you can bet it will still be one hell of a ride.

PS: As a side note to all the ladies reading this blog, you might be interested to know that there are plenty of ice-baths, players sunbathing and surfing, and generally using any excuse to walk around with their tops off. You know, just in case you like that kind of thing...