Monday, 4 January 2010

Rugga Big Brother

If you live in the UK then there is a VERY good reason to avoid slumping into your sofa over the next month and go out and do something much more interesting instead. 

Yes, 'Celebrity' Big Brother is back on our screens for a mind-numbing four weeks, and this can only mean one thing: Newspapers and television will be awash with this year's batch of eleven fame hungry ZZZ-list 'celebrities' who are all aiming to dazzle us with their limited talents and try to relaunch their extinguished stars back into the glittering limelight.  For a few weeks at least.

Amongst the plethora of washed up attention seekers who will be 'entertaining' us this year is cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid, Dane Bowers (aka The Fat One from crappy 90's boyband 'Another Level'), and a random Page 3 model.  Woo hoo.

Lock the doors, turn off the cameras and leave them all in there for 5 years...

However, the start of 'Celebrity' Big Brother got me thinking.  Wouldn't it be great if we could sling a selection of rugby stars, pundits, coaches and maybe a referee into the Big Brother house and watch them ruck it out for four weeks?

Picture the scene: 

Pundit Stuart Barnes debates the finer points of the breakdown with Richie McCaw, who, after 3 hours of needling from The Barrel, yawns and hands-off the still chattering Barnesy and tunnels his way to the garden where he begins a high-hair contest with the lesser spotted Gavin Henson.  In the kitchen, Martin Castrogiavanni is whipping up a culinary masterpiece with the help of a salivating John Smit, whilst Matt Giteau pings bread rolls across the room so they perfectly land onto each of the twelve dining room plates.  In the bathroom, Schalk Burger is giving Luke Fitzgerald a facial (of the deep cleansing mudpack variety) whilst Jeremy Guscott arranges his splendid selection of scarves in colour-coded order in the bedroom.  Moving outside to the jacuzzi, we find ladies favourites Dan Carter and Rob Kearney enjoying a hot, bubbly dip whilst Rocky Elsom bench presses Gavin Henson's suitcase which is rammed full of haircare products.

Henson has the highest hair of them all

Also, imagine the tasks that Big Brother could challenge them with:

Marvel as John Smit battles it out against the clock in the pie-eating task.
Laugh when Rocky Elsom pile drives Jezza Guscott into the ground during the Tackle Bag challenge.
Gape in wonder when Stuart Barnes out sprints Rob Kearney in the Chicken Run Bleep Test.

I did consider throwing calamitous referee David Rose into the mix along with Rob Andrew and his new nemesis Saracens' boss Brendan Venter, but I decided that might end in a blood bath, and we had quite enough of all that blood-spitting in 2009.

Yes, it will never happen, but this is a reality TV show that I would definitely watch...


  1. Bamberio, there has to be a place in this house for former Sale Shark, and part time cave man, Sebastian Chabal. And no manly household would be complete without a "Beast": Natal Sharks and Springbok prop Tendai Mtawarira.

    Would you propose having Welsh Referee Nigel Owens being the ref to reign in the madness of the house yelling out "Hands off" and "Leave it!"during mealtimes in his melodic Welsh accent?

  2. Some brilliant suggestions there Nursedude. I especially love your suggestion of Nigel Own reffing at mealtimes! With hindsight I wish I'd thrown Peter De Villiers into the mix for the pure comedy value...